Pedro: “See, the WWE is like a fat guy who goes on the internet all the time. It’s…he likes…he trolls really hard all the time.”
Okay, I was hiding in my bedroom long enough, trying to avoid this, that I let them all get drunk. Then I came out to pee and…well, now…
It’s a liveblog, bitches.
Royal Rumble 2015 started with a 30 minute conversation about Columbia/Barnard’s recent Title IX problems, and issues related to how to maintain oneself as a “women’s college” in 2015, when the concept of “gender” is acknowledged as fluid and “No, he’s not the huge guy, he’s the guy with the hernia.” “He’s Samoan. He’s a really nice guy.” “Yeah, he’s a really good dad.”
Oh, Royal Rumble. I missed you.
Pedro: “You wanna know why he lost? He had cancer like a motherfucker.”
Chris: “He had diverticulitis.”
Pedro: “I can’t even have a cold.”
Pedro: “Jessica. Jessica. Let me tell you something about wrestling. They have 30 gentlemen enter the ring…”
Pedro: “I don’t know how polite they are in public. But they have 30 gentlemen enter the ring, and then you throw them over the top rope one by one, and then the winner has the chance at Wrestlemania, which is the biggest show of the year. It’s at San Francisco this year, so it will be colorful. I’ll be honest, not a lot of people pay for these shows.”
Pedro: “You don’t like Brock Lessner? He doesn’t have a lot of his intestine. He’s wrestling. Vincent Kennedy McMahon – yes, that’s his middle name. He’s the owner of the company. He has relations with a lot of young men. That’s just what they say. But a lot of people say that.”
Jessica: “You’re the only person I’ve quoted so far.”
Pedro: “Put my twitter handle: Petethecreep. I don’t put a lot of photos, because I think it’s creepy.”
Jessica: “Why can’t I find Petethecreep on twitter?”
Pedro: “Oh, I’m not on twitter. I’m on instagram.”
Pedro: “Yeah, people are mean on twitter. I’m on instagram. On twitter, people are like, ‘Oh, you’re a dick.’ I don’t need anybody calling me a dick, man. I’m a human being.”
Pedro: “Man, that’ guy’s blacker than his jeans. And he’s recently a daddy. That’s a nice thing.”
Okay, you know what? Fuck it. I am no longer liveblogging the Royal Rumble. I am only liveblogging Pedro. Just assume that every single thing I write here from now on is just a direct quote from Pedro, okay?
Guess which one is Pedro!!
Rob: “No, he’s gonna be the second black Royal Rumble winner ever.”
Everyone: OH MY GOD The Rock is Samoan and Canadian.
Other Pedro: “CHECK YOUR PRIVLEDGE, ROB.”
Rob: “Since when is ‘Canadian’ a race!?”
Casey: “First there was a black president, now we’re giving you a black Royal Rumble winner.”
Other Pedro: “We’re about ready for a black Royal Rumble winner.”
Casey: “I would have voted so hard for Obama if he was [a Royal Rumble Winner].”
(Okay, that’s not how he finished that sentence. But this was funnier.)
Pedro: “Just to explain this, Jessica, this guy used to work for an underground wrestling company called ECW. And they had flaming talbes and barbed wire. And they used to wrestle in Philadelphia. And that’s why they love him. He almost killed himself. Have you seen his calves? The best calves in wrestling.”
Pedro: “YES. The best calves in wrestling.”
Pedro: “Have you met Bully Ray? He is such a nice man.”
Pedro and Other Pedro –
Jessica: “What’s a U-S-O-S?”
Pedro: “Jessica, I’ll let you know when a Usos appears.”
God, I fucking love Pedro.
Pedro: “Aw, poor guy. He got kissed on the forehead.”
Jessica: “That’s nice.”
Pedro: “I don’t want to get kissed on the forehead by some stranger.”
Jessica: “They’re not strangers; they’re co-workers.”
Pedro: “All of my co-workers are strangers.”
Okay, both sushi and Jorn have arrived. You hold on a minute….
My first wrestler just walks in! His name is Adam! He is explained to be as “If Andrew WK went evil.”
Pedro: “He’s actually a very nice person. I met him and his girlfriend once. Lovely people.”
Annnnnnd then he immediately got thrown out.
My other person will be the 29th to walk into the ring.
Pedro: “Statistically, not likely to win.”
Jessica: “Who’s that?”
Pedro: “He eats a lot, and he has pinkeye. And there’s only two ways to get pinkeye. Not washing yourself, and taking it in the eye. You’re not supposed to take fecal matter to the eye.
Rob: “I don’t like Kane post-mask. He’s just a tall fat guy.”
Other Pedro: “But, like, Kane in khanis, and a mask? Kane doing anything, in a mask? Kane, like, at a meeting, in a mask? ‘Here’s your MBA, Mr Kane.’”
Everyone: “AWWWWWWWW!!! Titus O’Neil!!!”
Jessica: “What! Who’s Titus O’Neil!?”
Pedro: “He’s a very good father; that’s what he is.”
Oh, Bad News Barrett is VERY handsome. Everyone keeps telling me he’s a bad guy, but I like him and his cape QUITE A BIT. He may be my new crush, now that Daniel Bryan lost already.
#29 walks out! It’s my dude! It’s BIG SHOW! EVERYONE IS VERY EXCITED!!!
Jessica, shouting loudly across the screaming room: “Chris! Chris! Am I gonna win?!?”
Chris: Sadly shakes head no.
Or wait maybe cheating counts? I…I don’t know…?
Oh god and things are happening so fast and
HOLY SHIT IT’S THE ROCK I JUST WON BINGO OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YASSSSSSSSS
Roman Raines WINNNNNSSSS!!! Yay, for CASEY!
Pedro: “Okay, I’m leaving. I don’t believe in guys with long hair.”
Pedro: “Stephanie McMahon is a wonderful wife to that man.”