9:11pm

Pedro: “See, the WWE is like a fat guy who goes on the internet all the time. It’s…he likes…he trolls really hard all the time.”

Okay, I was hiding in my bedroom long enough, trying to avoid this, that I let them all get drunk. Then I came out to pee and…well, now…

It’s a liveblog, bitches.

Royal Rumble 2015 started with a 30 minute conversation about Columbia/Barnard’s recent Title IX problems, and issues related to how to maintain oneself as a “women’s college” in 2015, when the concept of “gender” is acknowledged as fluid and “No, he’s not the huge guy, he’s the guy with the hernia.” “He’s Samoan. He’s a really nice guy.” “Yeah, he’s a really good dad.”

Oh, Royal Rumble. I missed you.

9:14

Pedro: “You wanna know why he lost? He had cancer like a motherfucker.”
Chris: “He had diverticulitis.”
Pedro: “I can’t even have a cold.”

9:25

Pedro: “Jessica. Jessica. Let me tell you something about wrestling. They have 30 gentlemen enter the ring…”
Jessica: “Gentlemen?”
Pedro: “I don’t know how polite they are in public. But they have 30 gentlemen enter the ring, and then you throw them over the top rope one by one, and then the winner has the chance at Wrestlemania, which is the biggest show of the year. It’s at San Francisco this year, so it will be colorful. I’ll be honest, not a lot of people pay for these shows.”

9:30

Pedro: “You don’t like Brock Lessner? He doesn’t have a lot of his intestine. He’s wrestling. Vincent Kennedy McMahon – yes, that’s his middle name. He’s the owner of the company. He has relations with a lot of young men. That’s just what they say. But a lot of people say that.”
Jessica: “You’re the only person I’ve quoted so far.”
Pedro: “Put my twitter handle: Petethecreep. I don’t put a lot of photos, because I think it’s creepy.”
Jessica: “Why can’t I find Petethecreep on twitter?”
Pedro: “Oh, I’m not on twitter. I’m on instagram.”
Jessica: “Instagram?”
Pedro: “Yeah, people are mean on twitter. I’m on instagram. On twitter, people are like, ‘Oh, you’re a dick.’ I don’t need anybody calling me a dick, man. I’m a human being.”

9:39

Pedro: “Man, that’ guy’s blacker than his jeans. And he’s recently a daddy. That’s a nice thing.”

Okay, you know what? Fuck it. I am no longer liveblogging the Royal Rumble. I am only liveblogging Pedro. Just assume that every single thing I write here from now on is just a direct quote from Pedro, okay?

Guess which one is Pedro!!

9:41

Rob: “No, he’s gonna be the second black Royal Rumble winner ever.”
Everyone: OH MY GOD The Rock is Samoan and Canadian.
Other Pedro: “CHECK YOUR PRIVLEDGE, ROB.”
Rob: “Since when is ‘Canadian’ a race!?”
Casey: “First there was a black president, now we’re giving you a black Royal Rumble winner.”
Other Pedro: “We’re about ready for a black Royal Rumble winner.”
Casey: “I would have voted so hard for Obama if he was [a Royal Rumble Winner].”

(Okay, that’s not how he finished that sentence. But this was funnier.)

9:44

Pedro: “Just to explain this, Jessica, this guy used to work for an underground wrestling company called ECW. And they had flaming talbes and barbed wire. And they used to wrestle in Philadelphia. And that’s why they love him. He almost killed himself. Have you seen his calves? The best calves in wrestling.”
Casey: “Nooooo.”
Pedro: “YES. The best calves in wrestling.”

9:45

Pedro: “Have you met Bully Ray? He is such a nice man.”

Pedro and Other Pedro –

9:50

Jessica: “What’s a U-S-O-S?”
Pedro: “Jessica, I’ll let you know when a Usos appears.”

God, I fucking love Pedro.

9:53

Pedro: “Aw, poor guy. He got kissed on the forehead.”
Jessica: “That’s nice.”
Pedro: “I don’t want to get kissed on the forehead by some stranger.”
Jessica: “They’re not strangers; they’re co-workers.”
Pedro: “All of my co-workers are strangers.”

9:58

Okay, both sushi and Jorn have arrived. You hold on a minute….

10:11

My first wrestler just walks in! His name is Adam! He is explained to be as “If Andrew WK went evil.”

Pedro: “He’s actually a very nice person. I met him and his girlfriend once. Lovely people.”

Annnnnnd then he immediately got thrown out.

10:13

My other person will be the 29th to walk into the ring.

Pedro: “Statistically, not likely to win.”

10:19

Jessica: “Who’s that?”
Pedro: “He eats a lot, and he has pinkeye. And there’s only two ways to get pinkeye. Not washing yourself, and taking it in the eye. You’re not supposed to take fecal matter to the eye.

10:22

Rob: “I don’t like Kane post-mask. He’s just a tall fat guy.”
Other Pedro: “But, like, Kane in khanis, and a mask? Kane doing anything, in a mask? Kane, like, at a meeting, in a mask? ‘Here’s your MBA, Mr Kane.’”

10:24

Everyone: “AWWWWWWWW!!! Titus O’Neil!!!”
Jessica: “What! Who’s Titus O’Neil!?”
Pedro: “He’s a very good father; that’s what he is.”

10:27

Oh, Bad News Barrett is VERY handsome. Everyone keeps telling me he’s a bad guy, but I like him and his cape QUITE A BIT. He may be my new crush, now that Daniel Bryan lost already.

10:30

#29 walks out! It’s my dude! It’s BIG SHOW! EVERYONE IS VERY EXCITED!!!

Jessica, shouting loudly across the screaming room: “Chris! Chris! Am I gonna win?!?”
Chris: Sadly shakes head no.

10:38

NOoooooooooo!!!

Or wait maybe cheating counts? I…I don’t know…?

Oh god and things are happening so fast and

HOLY SHIT IT’S THE ROCK I JUST WON BINGO OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YASSSSSSSSS

10:40

Roman Raines WINNNNNSSSS!!! Yay, for CASEY!

10:41

Pedro: “Okay, I’m leaving. I don’t believe in guys with long hair.”

10:42

P.S. –
Pedro: “Stephanie McMahon is a wonderful wife to that man.”

Overheard in Henry James:

“Does she strike you as awfully pretty?”
“As pretty as a pretty song! I took a tremendous notion to her.”
“She’s only a child – for mercy’s sake don’t show your notion too much!” Mrs Beaver ejaculated.

Sooooo I’m no linguist or nothing; I don’t know exactly in what sort of way ribald double-entendres worked in 1896. And anyway this seems like one of those serious, morally disapproving sorts of oldie books, rather than the comedically-pointing-out-social-foibles ones. But uh.

How much, if any, of that was on purpose?

(But no really. Tony Bream knows what I’m talking about, though, right? With his bright stare and still brighter alacrity?

Tony Bream gave his bright stare; after which, with his still brighter alacrity, “I see what you mean: of course I won’t!” he declared.

Yeah, sure, Tony. Suuurre.)

Tags:

so good.

Another in my series of periodic misty-eyed embarrassing rants about how much I <3 NY:

So, first of all, let it be known that mid-January, between 7-7:30am (specifically, for instance, let’s say: Jan 16 at 7:23am) is a particularly pretty time of day/year for the view from the Manhattan Bridge on the N train. You kind of are getting that weird neon-salmon-pinky-orange reflection on the buildings that looks like Miami, but also the blue reflections on the super-glass buildings is the exact same color as the sky behind it, so they just look sort of invisible, and the sun isn’t quite hitting them right-on, so it’s not all painful to look at or anything. Good job, sun + New York!

Also, on the train this morning, there was a lady with a big-ass baby strapped to her torso, sort of like dangling off of her, facing outward. It was wearing a pink hat with little bear ears, and also was all encased in a brown baby-shaped, like, jumper-thing?, which also had a hood with bear-ears on it. So it was double-bear-eared! And it was very INTERESTED in things, and sort of very seriously inspecting everyone around it, and was very surprised at all of these people, but in a solemn, scientific sort of way. And EVERY GODDAMNED PERSON ON THE TRAIN WAS SMILING AT IT. Everyone. Every. One. Or maybe they were smiling because everyone else was smiling? But EVERYONE was smiling. And no one ruined it by saying anything. Everyone was sort of bashful and half-looking-away but then sneaking glances back again. It was so good.

Also, on Thursday, I was running suuuuuuper late for work, and there was this meeting pretty early that I was supposed to be there for, and I said I’d stop at this nice bakery on the way and get these good mini-muffins they have there (they have gluten-free stuff, and a lady I like in my office is gluten-free, and they also have these totally decent mini-croissants, and the meeting was with this French group we’re doing stuff with). But, again: suuuuuuuper-late. So, instead, I sort of frantically stopped into the little bakery that’s between my apartment and the subway, where I get coffee every morning, and I grabbed whatever plastic box of stale cupcakes or whatever they happened to have sitting there, and I realized I did not have any cash, and they do not take cards. So I looked sad, and the lady said: “Maybe you’ll pay me tomorrow.”

UGH, SO NICE! I LOVE it when this happens. Actually, that lady totally knows me, but I love it also when this happens with STRANGERS! I was at one of the magazine stands in like the 34th Street station one day and wanted to buy a bottle of Starbucks iced coffee or whatever those are, and only had one dollar instead of two, and the dude was just like: “Eh, that’s fine. Close enough.” He didn’t even suggest that (maybe!) I would pay him later! He certainly had never seen me before – it was not my regular subway station. SO NICE! (And I totally took it, but while I was waiting for the train, I dug around in my purse and ended up finding four quarters to give him, anyway, so it worked out. And I totally did remember to pay the lady at my bakery the next day, too. I take that shit VERY seriously. You have GOT to remember to pay that shit back.)

Anyway, the mini muffin/cupcake/things were terrible! Just HORRIBLE. I do NOT recommend them. But at least they were there!

So. New York!

spike!

So remember how I was threatening to do nothing but post scans of embarrassing things I found in my old storage writing / diaries / things? Well, THIS IS NOT THAT. Because THIS is a notebook full of drawings I made when I apparently decided to illustrate lines from “Angel.” I have no idea what year this is from, but it had to have been Providence, I guess? (I was doing a lot of this kind of thing at the time…I also have like three notebooks full of illustrated quotes from this one student/faculty meeting I had to go to once a week at work. They’re GREAT but no one except the 15 people who were at all of those meetings would get it. I should donate them to the Brown library. Like, without a note. Just, you know, mail them a little cardboard box and then sit back and wait for them to name a building after me.) Actually, maybe the embarrassing thing about this is how un-creative it is. These aren’t hilarious interpretations of these lines. I think a lot of them are actually just sort of what happened in the show? Except…now in Jessica-cartoon form? Well, also-embarrassing is that at least one is totally mean and sexist. And ALSO-also-embarrassing is that I believe these are out of order, but I’m too lazy to go back and re-order them now, so SORRY, GUYZ. And also-also-also embarrassing is the fact that I sat around and watched Angel and drew cartoons about it.

Anyway. Here’s Angel, illustrated:

Dear Christmas Hipsters of Brooklyn:

Let it be known! On Sunday, January 4th, at 10:32pm, on an N train to Brooklyn, somewhere between the Atlantic/Barclays and 36th Street stops, your message was received.

If this photo belongs to you, or to any hipster you know, please: Let them know that it is in good hands, and will be long treasured.

Thank you for your gift, Christmas Hipsters.

Love,

Jessica

P.S. – Are regular plain old hard-copy photos, printed on plain old photo paper, already retro enough to be a hipster thing? Like, Polaroids are passe by now?

P.P.S. – I think I dated that one on the left.

P.P.P.S. – Also, ugughghhhhhhh can I buy this PLEEEEEEEEEEEQAAAZZZE even though I don’t need it and it’s ridiculous?

So, while looking back on my 2014 cartoons to try to find all the ones I could photograph (a delicate balance of “doesn’t shit-talk anyone who might read this,” “includes a drawing of something other than my cats,” and “mentions activities other than beer-drinking”), I noticed one trend in particular which I hadn’t really noticed at the time they were getting drawn: I went on an ASTOUNDING number of [first] dates in 2014.

So, uh. Here’s me just sort of shrugging at rule #1 up there (I swear, you guys! I don’t mean it in a MEAN way! [Except for some of you! For some of you I definitely, definitely mean it in a mean way.]) and hoping for the best as I hereby present:

[Almost] Every First Date [Excluding Depictions Which Were Too Scandalous or Too Mean] Jessica Went On In 2014 [And Also A Few She Barely Dodged]

Good GOD, a lot of boys on OKC want someone to cuckold them. The number of them I happened to note down here is not at ALL representative. Many, many more people than the mere two listed here surrrrrre did want someone to cuckold them! CALM DOWN, MEN OF BROOKLYN. Blag.

Yayyy happy 2015, analog motherfuckers!

Chris and I went back to the same little bar we went to last year. I’m not a THOUSAND percent positive? But I THINK I was even wearing the exact same jeans as I was last year. On New Year’s Day, I made black-eyed-peas and collard greens for good luck and prosperity! Aren’t you supposed to also boil a dime in there with the peas? Like, that’s part of the “for prosperity?” I didn’t do that part. That seems awfully dirty, to be honest. They were good! And I am now lucky and prosperous, so that’s nice, too! We also watched The Giver, which was just fucking hilaaaarrriously bad, right? And also I watched a movie called Mr Jones, which I liked. And then we watched Tusk. Oh, god, did we watch Tusk. And we watched a movie called Wrestlemaniac! Heck yes, we did. This was a movie which was pertinent to our household’s interests. And I bought the last three light-up-light-saber-lip-glosses at Target, so, PHEW. (And, um, let me know if you need a light-up-light-saber-lip-gloss, or anything, okay?)

So my 2015 is off to a pretty banging start, altogether.

Here are some highlights from 2014:

Tonight I watched a double feature of Cadet Kelly and GI Jane.

Man, Hilary Duff is fucking TERRIBLE at Army-ing. Though I do for sure want to see the wacky slapstick follow-up where she’s now a sergeant or whatever in Iraq, and she gets captured, and gives her captors manicures, and makes friends, and shows them how to best wear a scarf, and one of them has a crush on another one of them and she throws a dance on the base and they totally nearly kiss and then they set off a dirty bomb in Times Square.

You know, Demi Moore won a Razzie for Worst Actress for her movie. Hilary Duff did not. I’m just saying.

Aaaaahhfdhfd!!! What the fuck! Is Moleskine not making my daily cartoon diary books anymore??? I’m finding an annoyingly large number of 2014s available for purchase (and in this fantastic mustard yellow, which I WANT):

And I guess I’m finding ONLY red and black available for 2015, which fiiiiiiiiiiiiine, I would buy a red if necessary, except they’re all either out of stock or listed for like $40. Wtf, Moleskine! Fiiiiiiine, maybe I should not have waited until December 28th to try to buy my new one. But come on! STILL! You KNEW I was going to buy one! You couldn’t keep one back for me?? (In mustard yellow? You KNEW my 2014 was already black, anyway, dude, and the red is boring.)

Soooo anyway, for realsies: if anyone knows where I can buy one of these asap, or knows what I should use next year instead that is about the same size, let me know?

This is my roommate!

His name is Chris! Perhaps you remember him from such things as Royal Rumble and Science and reluctantly watching horror movies with me and everything else. So here’s a thing: Chris is the fucking BEST at trivia. (We are a very good team, because 98% of the time I help him by nodding sagely as he starts to write down the answers, and 2% of the time I can go: “Oh, shit! No no no no no oh my god this is totally that one song! Aaaahhhh what’s it called! You know what I mean! Oh my god oh my god I’m positive!” And then Chris goes: “Oh! ‘All About That Bass.” And then we win.) He is very good at knowing things even if he was not present at their happening! ANYWAY, I think this talent also is somehow related to how it turns out he’s somehow never actually seen any movies. Like, he’s seen Hackers 68 times. But he’s never seen the kind of movies that EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD saw, like Titanic and Jurassic Park and The Breakfast Club and Schindler’s List and Avatar and I don’t know what all. (Are most of those that I just listed Steven Spielberg? I think that was an accident. Those are just the movies I thought of that everyone in the whole world has seen.) So we keep threatening to do some kind of a contest or a game or a something where he has to say what he THINKS a movie’s plot is, and then we watch the movie, and then we…see if he won? Somehow? This is an almost-excellent idea, you guys. We just haven’t ever previously figured out how to execute it!

We…really still haven’t, incidentally.

So this is Tom!

(This is just an excuse to show another picture of how great Erwin is.)

He’s a dude! You may remember him from such things as embarrassing Halloween costumes (eh…okay, but the only photographic example I can actually find from my blog is kind of racist, so I’m not going to link to it) and “snow fence” and I winning-but-sort-of-cheating on the Depressing Postcard Contest. He came to visit for a couple days last week! Neither he nor Chris had ever seen The Craft.

DUN DUN DUNNNN!!! FACEOFF!! (No, I mean, Chris has totally seen Face/Off.* But I mean, they watched The Craft. Well. Chris and I watched The Craft; Tom fell asleep about a third of the way through it. And then I judged who WON, somehow.)

This is Digby doing her impression of Faruza Balk!

So, then.

I interviewed Chris and Tom, pre-viewing, on what they thought The Craft, the classic 2004 teen witchcraft um thriller? is about:

Chris:
There is an original unreleased Elastica song on the soundtrack. I want to say it’s called “Elasticated.” I may have bought the soundtrack just for that song.

Jessica:
[Makes a disappointed-face which implies: Yes but that is not what the movie is about, Chris. What is the movie about?]

Chris:
There’s four high school girls. It’s basically Clueless, but with witchcraft. And I think something comes out of a vagina at some point. And one time you were watching a Gingersnaps movie that was about werewolves or something and I thought that was The Craft for about 20 minutes.

[Jessica nods appreciatively in a manner which implies: Excellent observation, actually! The two films are indeed of the same early-00s gothy-teen-feminist-lesbian genre!]

Chris:
Witches wear skirts.

Tom:
They’re unpopular in school. They are regarded as outcasts, except for one of them – one of them is on the fringe between the cool kids and the rest of these non-cool kids, so that’ll be a dilemma for her. And the suggestion is that they are lesbians. The jocks will call them lesbians.

[Jessica makes an excited face, because even though she knows Tom is sort of cheating and just naming things that happen in generic teen movies and not actually guessing anything specific about THIS movie, she also knows that he is RIGHT! There IS a very exciting lesbian subtext (or really not so much sub-text as “text,” written in 36-point neon-pink font) to this movie! She can’t wait to go into lengthy and unnecessary detail about it very very soon! Oh my god, the “light as a feather stiff as a board” scene, though, you guyz!!!]

Chris:
Can I look at the soundtrack now? Or do I just spot the songs as they go along?

[Chris is politely ignored.]

Tom:
And that’ll be a focal point: using witchcraft to get revenge on the jocks. But that’ll be easy. The hard thing will be getting revenge on the other mean girls that don’t understand their meanness. That’s basically the Clueless side.

Jessica:
That’s not what Clueless was about.

Tom:
What, no -

Jessica:
No.

Chris:
Alicia Silverstone is the popular girl who takes the nerdy girl under her wing and tries to change her to make her popular and maybe she needs to just be herself instead.

[Jessica gets very very excited about how this analysis may or may not map onto the plot of The Craft!]

Jessica:
Ooh! Ooh! And who is which character in this??

Chris:
Faruza Balk is Alicia Silverstone. Neve Campbell is the only one I remember, so maybe she is Brittney Murphy. Also the black girl is Turk from Scrubs. I don’t know who Paul Rudd is.

Jessica:
And can either of you name any particular plot points or events?

Tom:
Will the four powerful teen witches use their skills for good or evil? Three for good; one for evil! The evil one will be Neve Campbell. She will be the one who cannot turn away from evil.

Chris:
There will be a set piece concerning frogs. Whether it will be a plague of frogs or a frog coming back to life in biology class, I’m not sure, but I feel like if I was making a teen witch movie in the 90s, it would involve frogs. It might come out of someone’s vagina. We’re talking about “Funny Face,” right?

Tom:
One of them will be – most of them will be unpopular with boys. Probably the girl from Empire Records will be popular. That’ll be a source of tension with the girls.

Chris:
I think there is an Afghan Whigs song on the soundtrack.

Tom:
Oh, they’ll have issues with their parents, too, but that’ll be a minor plot point.

Chris:
That’s like saying there will be a car chase.

Tom:
The bus scene [from the Netflix preview stills] makes me think Rosa Parks will be involved somehow.

Chris:
American Horror Story: Coven: Bitchcraft. **

MOVIE BEGINS!!

Chris:
[Re: The opening credits.] This is some low-tech…yeah, look at that. This can’t possibly be the original Beatles version of this song! Hey, look: “Music by Graeme Ravell!”

[Chris is chastised; told to stop talking about the goddamned soundtrack.]

Chris:
Man, what brit pop asshole did this guy cover? Like, Ride or some bullshit?

[Chris!!!]

Chris:
[Re: The dad killing a snake with a shoe.] Snakes are like frogs, right? So I just got a point, right?

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“Anyway, they’re…witches.”

Chris:
These music cues are just like insanely: “…And now another song that we were contractually obligated to throw in,” like…god, who even is this? Like, Live? Or Toadies? Anyway, they’re witches. Oh, what is this song?! Is this How Soon Is Now? It’s a cover of How Soon Is Now!!

Jessica:
[Accidentally encouraging him.] Is this a cover?

Chris:
Maybe it’s not!!

Tom:
See! Already the tension I described is palpable! She’s going to be popular with the boys!

Chris:
Yeah, this is definitely a cover. By The Verve or something?

Tom:
They’re gonna steal from the other witch? ***

Tom:
Is he gonna get hit by the car? [Yes.] Did they voodoo the car? [Maybe?]

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“I thought he would get hit! Did you think it? I thought it!”

Chris:
I thought it, too! Am I a teen witch, Jessica?? Is this a remake of Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret? They have a secret club. Are there code names yet? Is there a Blubber in this movie? Is this like a unified field theory of Judy Blume? A “Fudgemania,” if you will? “Mannon?” Fudge? Anyway, is this the Sneaker Pimps?

Jessica:
I don’t know. Is it?

Chris:
No. “Oh, wooo, look at me. I’m a bad guy in a movie. When you set me on fire with magic later, it will be justified.”

Jessica:
Uh-oh! Who guessed “bad family life?”

Chris:
This is a cartoonishly bad family.

[Jessica notes an amazing plot hole! Which is that when all four of them are making the wishes that all come true later on, Neve Campbell wishes to be “as beautiful outside as inside,” which, um, doesn’t work, because she turns hot or whatever, but she also is a bad guy. MOVIE RUINED FOREVER!!]

Chris:
The moral of the story is: You cannot be beautiful both inside and out.

Jessica:
And you can’t be friends with other women. And you can’t share power with other women.

Chris:
And you can’t have nappy hair. Take into yourself the power of the monarch butterfly! The most metal of all the animals! Everyone can smoke indoors in this movie. Oh! I just figured out the twist ending! Faruza Balk is trying to kiss a snake! And she just wished for a smaller butt! But the twist is that it has been well-established that anacondas don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“I mean, it’s fun. It’s scare-reee.”

Chris:
Have they cast a glamour against the school dress code? I mean, seriously.

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“Chris and Ray are both dead.”

[EVERYONE LOSES THEIR GODDAMNED MINDS because they have noted an amazing plot hole!]

Chris:
Wait wait wait wait wait Chris is Skeet Ulrich. But who the fuck is Ray?? Is that a blooper? Was there a scene cut where they killed some other guy?

[Jessica, after doing some totally bomb-ass sluething,**** confirms this theory, basically! There was indeed a dude named “Trey” in the movie, who was a secondary jerk-jock character, who they did NOT show getting murdered, but who did indeed stop appearing somewhere halfway through the movie. He must have been murdered during a scene that ended up not making it into the movie! Whoa!]

[But then...Jessica, after continuing to spend her Saturday night constructively, ***** discovers that ACTUALLY, this guy, in an uncredited role, did indeed play Ray, Faruza Balk’s dirtbag step-dad, who she did witchily kill via heart attack. Everyone slowly settles down; life regains normalcy.]

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“You know, in the old days, if a witch betrayed her coven, they would kill her.”

Chris:
American Horror Story: Coven: Bitchcraft!!

Jessica:
Chriiiiiiiiiisss.

Chris:
You’ve cast a glamour against my style of humor!

[There is a very long and detailed scene featuring many many snakes and bugs and reptiles and worms and things.]

Chris:
There wasn’t a single goddamned frog in that whole scene.

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“Oh, god, you’re so disgusting.”

Jessica:
Oh! I totally had a .wav of that on my first computer when I was in high school!

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“Bravo! BRAH-vooohh.”

Jessica:
Oh my god, I had that one, too!

Actual Quote From The Craft:
“She’s so PATHETIC!”

Jessica:
Okay, so maybe I just downloaded the The Craft .wav pack. I also had Seinfeld saying that he didn’t want to be a pirate!

[Yet another amazing plot hole is noted!! During the “light as a feather, stiff as a board” scene, they were at Neve Campbell’s house (her mom walked into the room at one point). They were hanging out in the room with the blue-tiled fireplace. But then during the end scene where Faruza Balk and the girl from Empire Records are fighting, they fight past the blue-tiled fireplace again at one point, even though that’s supposed to be Girl From Empire Records’s house now! They used the same set for both scenes! Bum-bum-BUMMM! Movie ruined forever!]

Chris:
Every time they do one of these shots where it’s like a menacing thing, it looks like a tv spot from the mid-90s for the new Stephen King novel. Like, if you loved Cujo and you loved Christine, then you will definitely like this because it will scare your dick off.

WINNER:
Chris, because he stayed awake.

In post-mortem discussions for this event, Chris has since whined that The Craft was not a good movie to start this contest series on, since it’s not a cultural touchstone type of movie that everyone in the whole world saw. Is that true? I would have guessed The Craft was on par at least with Clueless, as far as teen-movies-everyone-saw. Maybe I only think that because it was gothy and lesbiany and horror-y and feministy and terrible and THIS IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS.

DIGBY’S REVIEW:

* Note: I have no idea if this is true.
** Note: That’s all I actually have down in my notes there. Probably Chris added something else ABOUT American Horror Story: Coven: Bitchcraft. But actually, now that I think about it, he really might not have.
*** Note: The “other witch” is played by someone who’s actual name in real life is “Assumptive Serna” ****** and who actually chose to wear that shirt in her professional actor’s headshot photo.
**** Read: “After briefly checking IMDB…”
***** Read: “After very thoroughly and with great interest perusing many of the deep-cuts conversations taking place on the IMDB message boards, not to solve this puzzle but just for funsies, …”
****** Correction: Okay, fine, it’s actually “Assumpta Serna.” It was funnier when I’d misread it as “Assumptive.”

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