:(

Aw, shit, dude…there’s a really sad break-up going on outside my window right now. I think it’s the housemate that I like, which is too bad if true. But she’s crying and I can’t quite hear her voice, so…it’s possible that it’s one of the housemates I don’t like? She keeps talking about how someone left the bar an hour and a half ago, and then just now I heard her say something about how, before they did, they said that they’d “be right back.” Ouch.

Dear housemate I like: I hope it’s not you. Love, Jessica.

yayyyy

What Did Jessica Have for Dinner on her Last Night of Ian-Free Cooking [for now, at least]???

RAMEN!

Photobucket

And champagne. SWEET.

This is my porno shot:

Photobucket

Aw, yeah…check out that tongue, baby. Sucking up all that hot, gooey, um…msg.

Damnit, Ian, come cook for me please!!!

Photobucket

srsly

Confidential to postcard-receivers:

For realsies - there are 15 contestants in 11 cities, in 9 states, in two countries (and at least one district of Columbia!). The winner will be chosen and announced by Friday, the 24th of July, so send your responses in order to be received before then.

Today, the Barbie Doll Players present for you our second show of the summer, something that is not called “Kife Rcience.” It’s about a bunch of teenagers in a private Jewish high school who, you know, want to have sex with each other and adopt twelve year-old war orphans from Lebanon. You know. Like you do. They, too, hang out and have philosophic discussions. (But don’t worry, it’s not a trend - the characters in the last show of the season most assuredly do NOT hang out and have philosophic discussions.)

CAST:
Gabriella….teenage girl #1, who wants to adopt a Lebanese boy
Erwin….teenage boy #1, the adopted Asian kid
Ryan….teenage boy #2, who is some other person

SCENE 1:

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

SCENE 2:

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

SCENE 3:

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

SCENE 4:

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

SCENE 5:

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Check it out! I learned how to flip the speech bubbles!

Second-to-last WDJHfDT ev-arr!!! I know that none of you are excited about that at all because these are so riveting. Nevertheless.

WDJHfDT?? Crab salad sandwich!

Photobucket

I know it looks boring, but it’s homemade, at least. I suspect that normal people would claim that I ruined fifteen bucks worth of perfectly good crab with too much mayonnaise and too much salt and too much Old Bay and too much onion and too much dill. But you know what I like? Mayonnaise and salt and Old Bay and onion and dill. It’s like you know those things you see every once in a while - “how to eat sushi,” like as though it’s hard to figure out? And it’s always written by totally snobby people who think they’re learnin’ you on Japanese culture or whatever and they tell you not to make that muddy soy-sauce-and-wasabi dippy stuff, because if the chef wanted it that way he or she would have made it that way to begin with? Well screw those guys. Turns out I like ALL of my food extra-salty and extra-spicy. That’s like saying not to put extra salsa on your taco because if the chef had thought it should be there he or she would have put it there. Same reason I had red wine instead of white. Screw you, wine and crab fascists! I like red!

Anyway. I had a sandwich.

But! Extra-special big-news celebratory dinner planned for tomorrow for my last night cooking for myself EVER! Yeah, that’s right, Ian, you heard me. Riveting.

Since I know many of you out there would love to see each of the summer shows that my school is putting on this year, but live far enough away as to make that goal impractical, I thought I would help you guys out by summarizing each of our three shows! Here to help me are the Rhode Island Barbie Doll Players! Yay! A big hand for these guys; they work hard. And remember: Barbie Doll Theatre may be free to watch, but it’s not free to produce, so there will be a donation bucket by the door on your way out.

Google Search Fear prevents me from giving you the actual title of our first show, but let me assure you, it is not called “Cogs of the Alue Fods,” wherein the first letter of each of those capitalized words is actually the letter that comes after it in the alphabet. The play is set in a military-ish dog training facility; all of the characters are “Cogs;” the “Alue Fods” are cops (there are also “White Fods,” who live in nice neighborhoods and “Black Fods” that the dogs - er, cogs - get to chase and bite). They hang out and have philosophical discussions.

CAST:
Gabriella…..Dog #1 whose name is Rex in the play, for realsies
Barbie for President 1991 [yeah, no, I know, but it was really 1991, I assure you]….Dog #2
Tippi Hedren….Dog #3

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Spent the day cleaning and decorating. Ian comes home on Wednesday! My stated goal was to make the house totally redone and different-looking for when he got back, but I’m realizing now that all I’ve done is hang some shit on the walls. Whatevs. That’s some good-looking shit, yo. And more than we’ve done all year. Actually, more than we’ve done in, like a decade. I don’t think we’ve EVER decorated. Unless his Johnny Rotten poster at 1717 counts? Anyway. Very excited to show off some photos of it all soon! “It all.” It really is just two rooms, a few things I hung up. But whatever.

Second-worst thing about waxing your cooter? Your farts are really loud for the next week or two. I’m just sayin’. All those hot bikini models running around with their delicate pre-pubescent-looking pudendas? Farting. Loudly. You’re welcome for that bit of knowledge.

What Did Jessica Have for Dinner Tonight?? Leftover Chinese, and like three bites of a mango. Dear mangoes, why are you so stupid-hard to get open? Mangoes are the stuck-up snotty girls of the fruit world. Not in a dirty way or anything - they’re just so much trouble. They think they’re soooo fancy. But you know what? The most disappointing thing in the world I think? Finally opening a mango after staring at it for two days and thinking about what a pain in the ass they are, and it not being ripe yet. Ugh. Stupid mangoes. So stupid I didn’t even take a picture! Is this the first dinner I haven’t gotten a photo of? I guess maybe except for the sushi on the second day, when I just took the picture of the empty box. Anyway, instead, here’s a picture of my cat with weird scary eyes. So there’s that, anyway.

Photobucket

Ahoy, Saccos. Ian here. As a counterpoint to the surprising display of unity that I saw outside of Notre Dame on Friday, I thought I’d post some pictures of something I saw a while ago that was downright riotous.

I showed up in the area adjacent to the Pompidou center at around 2 in the afternoon, and there was a huge crowd of people gathered, waiting to start a parade or a protest or something. This is not an unusual thing to see on the weekend in Paris, so I initially didn’t pay much attention. As I wandered through the crowd, though, I realized that something was slightly different about this crowd. They were grumpier looking that the usual crowds, and most of them had on bandannas or some sort of mask to cover their faces. Then I noticed the black flags, and I realized they were anarchists!!!

Photobucket

Okay, so what? A bunch of Parisian anarchists assembled for a protest: big whoop. They’ll probably just march around chanting like every other group of protesters I’ve seen. Indeed, this is what I thought… Until they started shooting off roman candles, lighting magnesium torches, and blowing air horns!!!

Photobucket

This video gives a better sense of how bright the torches were. They glitched out my camera.

I had no idea what the goal of the protest was, but I love fireworks, so I figured I would follow them around for a while and see what they were up to. Unfortunately (or probably, fortunately) they were slow to get going and a whole bunch of smoke accumulated in the plaza, so I wandered off to get some fresh air and wait for them to get properly moving. This is when I noticed the cops.

Photobucket

They were actually all over the place (there was a music festival slated to begin in a couple hours), but they seemed to be preparing for something specifically aimed at dealing with the anarchists. As much as I love fireworks, I am not a huge fan of being clubbed by riot cops, so I decided to hang back and not follow the anarchists directly. This was a good move.

About five minutes later, there were terrible, cacophonous noises coming from the direction of the parade. Helicopters showed up and started hovering over the route, and soon after the ambulances started coming. Groups of cops were running all over the place and putting themselves up in strategic barriers to contain the flow of people.

Photobucket

After things had calmed down, I walked over to the parade route to see what was up. There were lots of broken windows.

Photobucket

This slogan was all over the place. It says “77 rather than 68.” There were riots and revolution in Paris in ‘68, but I don’t know what happened in ‘77. I asked around a bit, and the people I asked had no idea what that meant, so probably whatever happened in ‘77 was only significant in anarchist circles.

Photobucket

A couple stores had their doors smashed.

Photobucket

There were broken eggs and thrown-produce all over the place, which I think means that this is actually stained with tomatoes rather than blood. Maybe not, though.

Photobucket

Planters were broken and garbage cans overturned. Anarchy means that you litter.

Photobucket

That’s about it for destruction. I watched a bunch of the anarchists in handcuffs getting loaded into police buses by plain-clothes cops who had been in the parade but were now wearing orange police arm bands. I guess this is how the cops combat the masks? Just have an undercover grab the offender and make the arrest. This strikes me as something that probably would have been much harder for the cops pre-internet. Back then they would have actually had to have undercovers in the groups in order to know the time and location of the marches, but now they can just read online and show up.

This has nothing to do with the anarchists, but it was in the same set of pictures on my camera, so I present it now. Enjoy.

Photobucket

I had adventures today!

First - I went to this clothing swap. You bring in some old clothes and you get to leave with new old clothes. I am, admittedly, a horrible packrat. I’m so bad at throwing things away. With clothes, I’m basically saving things for three reasons:

1. Nostalgia. The t-shirt Ian bought for me that says “Abortion Tickles” (romantic!), the my “Senior Women” tshirt from high school with the nickname on the back that no one ever really called me, etc.

2. In case Lauren has stylish kids. This is, in other words, the “in case it comes back into style” excuse, but that never actually happens. By the time a style comes back into style, it’s just slightly different enough that the genuine old stuff looks weird and ugly. Unless! You’re super-stylish. So in case Lauren’s daughters are super-stylish, or I guess Jen and Vivid Boobie’s, or whoever else wants to have daughters that they allow me to hang out with, I’m saving my furry red polyester tank top, and my pleather pants, and my black pleather-snakeskin cowboy hat. (Why all the pleather? I had frankly not noticed that before.)

One thing I need save no longer, for any reason: My hot-pink tube top.

Photobucket

Oh - I’m sorry. Is hot pink a little too much for you? Well, good thing this baby is reversible!

Photobucket

We got us some soft pink, too, for that innocent look. In fact, the straps are even removable, in case it’s too conservative for you as-is.

True story: the last time time (the only time, I swear to god, really, I promise, if it helps) I wore this shirt (”shirt”) was to the Granada with my sister and one of her douchebag boyfriends. If you’re not from Kansas, you might not realize all that saying “I wore a hot pink tube top to the Granada with my older sister” means, but trust me, it’s not good news. If it helps you to understand the situation a little better, let me add: I wore it with the pleather snakeskin cowboy hat.

I took a picture of myself with the hat, too, but I just cannot bring myself to post it.

Jesus christ - I’m sitting here remembering that I admitted to a student a week or two ago that I have a blog. Dear Student, PLEASE DO NOT FIND MY BLOG PLEASE. Love, Jessica’s Tube Top. Screw the shot of me ferociously sucking Nutella off the blade of a knife; screw the shot of me with a giant beet stuck in my front teeth. These two pictures are officially tied for Most Embarrassing Photo of Jessica, Ever. Why on earth do I keep putting this shit on the internet? I don’t have to do this. Why did I do this? Even as I type this I am realizing I could, theoretically, not post this. And yet.

Anyway - got rid of the tube top today at the swap. Traded it in for various other things I will likely never wear, either, including some kind of wacky Brit Pop military jacket that’s two sizes too big, and a ratty Kurt Cobain sweater with a hole in it that I bought imagining I would throw it on in case I’m like, out at the beach for a picnic or a clam bake or a bonfire party or something and it starts to get chilly at night. …You know. For all of the picnics and clam bakes and bonfire beach parties that I go to all the time. Also this dress, which I can’t tell if it’s like Twiggy-cute, or 15-year-old-at-the-mall-not-cute. My face looks like this because Erwin has just jumped up onto the table and is about to rub his face against my barely-balanced camera and knock it over:

Photobucket

What does Jessica want for dinner? There’s not much in the house and she’s too lazy to go to the store. She could have spaghetti, or leftover garlic soup, or tortellini. Actually, she’ll probably end up having tortellini. But god, boiling water seems vaguely insurmountable. She could order Chinese, but that doesn’t sound particularly good. The only other thing she could order is pizza, as far as she knows. I guess she could order that one crazy-decadent everything-plus-anchovies pizza that Ian doesn’t like, but that’s an awful lot of leftovers.

What Should Jessica Have for Dinner Tonight??

EDIT: Man, you guys are useless. I got Chinese.

Photobucket

Also, the weirdest scariest fortune ever: “As long as you don’t sign up for anything new, you’ll be fine.” SHIT! How long does this last! When can I start doing new stuff again???

« Older entries