hey! that’s not labia!

I am watching a movie called “Dead Girl,” which features this truly excellent poster:

My feminist blogs hated it because, spoiler alert, it’s a zombie movie about two teenage boys who repeatedly fuck a zombie girl who is tied down to a table. The feminist blogs call this rape. I am, you may have heard, a bit of a raging feminist. Nonetheless, as I am also a bit of a zombie afficianado, I believe I can say with relative certainty that one cannot rape a zombie.

That’s right. I said that.

The reason you should not fuck your dog is that dogs prefer not to be fucked by people. Same goes for horses, children, blacked-out drunk sorority girls. You shouldn’t fuck things that don’t want you to fuck them: that’s rape. A zombie, I maintain, holds no such preference. One cannot rape a hole in the ground. One cannot rape a Fleshlight. Frankly, one cannot rape a dead body – one can only violate it as a piece of property – it’s basically vandalism to fuck a dead body. And since zombies = dead people, there is no raping of zombies. Ah, sure, okay – that’s slightly untrue. Zombies DO have desires. Zombies desire brains. But that is the ONLY things zombies desire! So, by denying zombies your delicious brains, you are thwarting their wishes and therefore raping them.

Dear everyone, stop raping zombies by not letting them eat your brains. Start fucking them, though. They’re fine with that.

Brought to you by: Totally Reasonable Jessica.

Though, of course – none of this – not their point and not my point – is the point of this movie. This is the point of the movie, from the only blogger who appears to have actually watched the movie. What she is saying here is not some big fancy intellectual thing, and it’s certainly not some very delicate or subtle political thing. It’s totally completely obvious in the movie. These stupid blogs were just obviously working from the trailer and the synopsis and the praise that it got on the indie-movie-circuit (which they just knee-jerk didn’t believe, for some reason: “If there’s anything more disturbing than the material advertising the movie itself, it’s what reviewers have to say about it,” Sociological Images says, in response to a whole heaping ton of praise from people who actually DID watch the movie), and not from having seen it.

It’s annoying when the big famous feminist bloggers are stupid, because they’re what people read. And then, later, of course, the little feminist blogs pick it up and also don’t watch the movie and just repeat it anyway. Grumble grumble etc.

Pfff EDIT: Oh and fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine…this is totally a different zombie mythology where, yes, this zombie does show a distinct preference not to get raped. She’s also a fast zombie, though, and I don’t believe in those, either, so it’s a stupid zombie mythology. But fine, whatever. She’s getting raped, I guess.

HA and EDIT 2: Doods are randomly sitting in a car, listening to a call-in talk show on a radio station. Annoying man’s voice: “Heyyyyyy…and how old are you?” Woman’s voice: “Twenty-five.” Man’s voice: “And do you have a boyfriend or a husband?” Ugh. Just watch the stupid movie, feminists. Obv.

EDIT 3: Yeah, no, okay. So, first of all, the movie ends with figurative NAKED FEMINIST RAGE ON THE LOOSE! So there’s that. Also, it’s a decent take on the genre. I can’t say I loved it or whatever, but it’s a totally decent revision, and it is 1000% a feminist horror movie, which there aren’t enough of – especially ones like this that don’t proclaim themselves SUPERFEMINISTHORRORMOVIES!!!!! like Teeth or Jennifer’s Body or whatever.

Blah blah.