please don’t fire me though

Okay, this is probably some kind of fireable offense, this “leaking of company information” or something, not to mention just mean, but. Yesterday, everyone at the Unnamed Ivy League University for which I work received an email from our president that read, in part:

I write to advise you of the status of efforts undertaken in the fall to reduce further the University budget deficit that arose as a result of the economic crisis of 2008-2009. The crisis resulted in a more than 26% decline in the value of the [UNDISCLOSED UNIVERSITY] endowment (some $740 million) and an urgent need to reduce the University’s operating budget in line with the severe reduction in revenue. … By freezing salaries [READ: NO RAISES FOR ANYONE LAST YEAR {SOURCES SAY THERE WILL BE NO STAFF RAISES AGAIN THIS YEAR, BUT FACULTY WILL GET THEM AGAIN - I CAN'T ARGUE, I WORKED AT A LAW FIRM, I KNOW WHO MAKES THE MONEY HERE, I KNOW MY PLACE, BUT STILL}], recapturing vacant positions [READ: HIRING FREEZE], eliminating some administrative positions [READ: FIRE FIRE FIRE LAYOFFS, BUT ONLY THE STAFF, SO NO WORRIES - OH I'M SO BLUE COLLAR] and reducing other administrative costs [READ: INSTALLING AIR-DRIERS IN ALL THE NEW BATHROOMS INSTEAD OF PAPER TOWEL DISPENSERS, NO REALLY], we succeeded in identifying $35 million toward that goal in FY10. This year, through an extensive process of organizational review and deliberations by the University Resources Committee, the campus undertook to identify a second tranche of savings of approximately $30 million. [READ: FIRE FIRE FIRE LAYOFFS - BUT ONLY STAFF! RAISES FOR FACULTY ALL AROUND]

… [MANY PARAGRAPHS OF HOW PROUD SHE IS OF US AND HOW HARD ALL THESE DECISIONS ARE, BLAH BLAH, NO MENTION OF THE BRAND-NEW ARTS BUILDING THAT CONTINUES TO GO UP AS PEOPLE GET FIRED, THEN] …

Regrettably, we will not be able to achieve the target reductions without the elimination of some employee positions.

This wouldn’t all be so annoying if it weren’t for all the extremely delicate euphemisms and all the tender hand-holding. Seriously, this email takes two pages to say, “We lost a shit-load of money; we have to fire some people. Sorry.”

Well, and also if it weren’t for this on the front page of our website today:

Oh, sigh.