Hello! I am thirty-two years old! (That is MEGA OLD. That is, like, grown-up-old.)
Last night I saw a goofy laser-light-show-lit-proggy-electronica-sountracked-planetarium-themed, um, thing, at BAM. Today I had an everything bagel, toasted, with cream cheese and lox and red onion, for breakfast. I’m wearing a very cute dress that I made myself and which totally fits right and is well-made and stuff. I have had four stories accepted for publication in the past three months*, including one which won third place in a contest judged by Motherfuckin George Saunders, Motherfucker, and the people running that contest have asked me to read that story at a hip LES venue later this spring, which is terrifying, but I am doing it anyway. I finally signed up again for the club where you sit around and knit with old people. I live in New York City. It’s super-pretty from the N train where it goes over the Manhattan Bridge, and I get to see it every single weekday morning and night. I have a job and some friends and a roommate and some turtles and some cats. I’m going to drink fancy drinks tonight and wear a slightly extravagant dress. Happy birthday to me!
Also, here is a birthday present for you! It’s a crossword puzzle about me! YOU ARE WELCOME.
* I don’t know why I didn’t write about that stuff here before. Because of not-wanting-to-brag or not-wanting-to-jinx-it or something? But man, both of those reasons are stupid. Turns out, it’s not bragging to say you got stories published! It’s bragging to say you are THE BEST WRITER EVER, or at least the THIRD-BEST WRITER EVER, ACCORDING TO GEORGE SAUNDERS, but I mean, I certainly am not doing that, ahem ahem. And I don’t believe in jinxing. So, HEY! GUESS WHAT! I have been submitting stories and I got four of them accepted and one got third place in a contest judged by a very very impressive dude! It’s kind of an incredibly big fucking deal! So! Yeah! Impressive! I’m basically a very famous and respected published author who is basically besties with George Saunders, basically. So if you need any very professional-type authorial things done, I’m a good person to ask about that sort of thing.
VERY IMPORTANT EDIT: