This was my breakfast one morning recently:
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies are not as good as I remembered them being.
Have they changed, or have I? (That’s not REALLY an idle question: Like, yes, it’s probably been close to two fucking decades since I’d last had one, and yes, perhaps my tastes have changed a bit since then. But it’s also entirely possible that they’ve swapped out the, like, high fructose corn syrup for dextrose gum or whatever, right?) I had two, just to be sure. (Okay, I had five. Just to be sure.)* They were so sweet they made my face tingle. You know when that happens? And the frosting is literally flavorless. I’m convinced it’s just chemically-constructed lab-grown fake Crisco with sugar whipped in. Except it doesn’t even taste like sugar. It just feels like sugar. It’s like that pepper spray stuff, that pure skoville stuff, that people spray into chili at cook-offs? It doesn’t taste like pepper, it only feels like heat?
Pizza-flavored Goldfish crackers are still as delicious as always.
* Fine, I ate the entire goddamn box of twelve, what do you want from me, blood?