I have a new idea for how I can make some extra cash! I will offer to the people who message me on OkCupid, for – $3 a pop sounds about right – to tell them why I did not message them back, so that they can, you know, get some constructive criticism and, like, come off as less (creepy/ annoyed/ sexist/ bored/ undateable) in the future. A few free examples, so they can tell that they’ll be getting their money’s worth:
Hi there, how are you doing?
Hi, How is it going? I hope that you are well.
HIM: Your first 2 pictures are really cute. No, I don’t expect that to get me anywhere.
ME: Ha. Well, that’s good, at least.
HIM: And now I don’t know how to respond to that. Oh, the futility!
Actually, this is the first guy I replied to. I obviously would never go out with a guy who opens with a neg (DO NOT OPEN WITH A NEG), but it was too hilarious not to respond to in some way, or something? (ALSO, INCIDENTALLY, DO NOT FOLLOW UP WITH A NEG.) I hope he understood that I meant it was good that he didn’t expect anything (OR EVER USE A NEG AT ALL, ON ANYONE, EVER), not that I thought it was good (BECAUSE, JESUS, COME ON) that my first two pictures (FUCKING NEGS, MAN) were cute, or something? (JUST…GOD, MAN, THAT’S THE WORST.)
So…Considering my silly kind of bent , I just want to say Hiya and throw my ridiculous, forward, honest and disclaimer-y profile your way. …. I know its quite a handful or mouthful or whatever, but, please check it out and read it, and well, if it leaves you smiling and thinking about how fun coming over for a game of strip poker would be, get back to me instantly!….Or uhm, something like that. :)
This guy messaged me a year ago, on a my differently-named profile, with this exact same copied-and-pasted message. I didn’t bother clicking through this time, so I’m not totally positive, but I’m pretty sure he was married. (Also, “mouthful?” Fucking gross, dude. Don’t do that.)
Hello I’m interested in your beauty and your style if you feel the same about my pic or profile I guess I will hear from you.
Yep, I guess so! (He is interested in my beauty and my style, you guyz. Two things I am known for.)
Do you [do a thing I claimed to do in my profile] year round?
How is your [thing I referenced in my profile]?
What is [a thing in the background of one of my pictures on my profile]?
P.S. Wow. Just wow.
Okay, first of all, good job on actually reading my profile, and good job on asking me questions about it that I get to reply to. (SERIOUSLY – IT’S THAT EASY, DUDES.) I totally might have replied to this guy. But I will give him $20 if he can prove to me that he DOESN’T put that exact same PS at the bottom of every single first message he sends to every single girl. Actually, no I won’t, because I would refuse to fucking believe it. He puts that at the end of every goddamn first message. I know he does. (And also it doesn’t actually really sound like a compliment, either, right?) (And also he was married.)
Hi, how are you? Your page was pretty cool to read and you seem like someone who’s pretty fun to be around. Let’s get together sometime to get to know each other some and see if we hit it off.
Yes, you have accurately summarized the entire point and purpose of OkC. (Also, again, “was pretty cool to read” does not make me think you read it. It’s like telling your high school English teacher that, yeah, The Scarlet Letter was pretty cool to read; you really liked the part with the, um, letter.)
You have a great profile. If you are interested, I would like to take you out to dinner or we could go to a museum.
This is somehow both weirdly specific and also non-specific at the same time. Again, first of all, with the “you obviously didn’t read my profile” bit, but this time also with the added bonus of “because if you had, you should maybe mention the kind of food I claimed to like when you suggest dinner, or have suggested an activity I claim to like rather than ‘a museum,’ the least-interesting sounding offer I have ever received, and I do generally enjoy going to museums, so I don’t even know how you did that.” Also, and I know this is my own personal quirk and not all girls will feel the same way, but “I would like to take you out to dinner” turns me AAAAAAAaaallll the way off. Why would I let a total stranger BUY me things? It’s such a creepy tradition. I don’t know you. Why are you gifting me with anything, much less sustenance? “I would like to pay your electricity bill.” “I would like to buy you soap and a pair of warm socks.” “I would like to start a trust in your name so that you can take community college classes in a few years, should you so desire, once you have your life settled out.” Quit providing for me, dude. It’s gross.
I really liked your profile, a bit different than most, meaning actually interesting ;-) I know there’s nothing there!
Let me know if you want to meet up for a drink. Apologize if that’s too forward, but I find that the back and forth messages before you meet someone are useless and a huge waste of time.
This is actually sort of an interestingly tricky one. First, he chats a bit – says a few sentences. That’s good! But you’ll notice once again: he doesn’t ACTUALLY mention anything that would indicate that he read my profile. This is like when horoscopes tell you that you’re “intuitive and sensitive, but sometimes a bit selfish.” Oh, really? You think I’m different and interesting? YES THAT MUST BE ABOUT ME! But the main reason this one creeps me out (and it really does strike me as creepy) is that it’s sort of secretly really aggressive. “I know there’s nothing there” – I think that means, “I know the rest of the profiles out there are shitty?” Like, he’s insulting the other girls on OkC to make me feel better in comparison? Don’t do that, yo. Chicks before dicks, come on. And “useless and a huge waste of time.” Like, frankly, I agree, but these are awfully negative, domineering words to be throwing around. The TONE you’re using is one that you don’t want to use when introducing yourself to a new person. Don’t tell me what is or is not a waste of your time. (Because first of all: I don’t know you, and I haven’t ever wasted your time, so I don’t care. But also: what is a waste of your time is not necessarily a waste of my time, no matter how forcefully you insist that it is so.)