i want a chromebooooooooooook

But I’m trying to put it off until after next week, in case they come out with a new version of the one I want at the Consumer Electronics thing? I don’t think the newer version looks thaaaat much better than the current one, according to the bits that I care about, but I guess it’s worth it to wait a week to get the upgrade for the same price (or at least to get the one I want now for $50 cheaper, or whatever, assuming that happens after the newer one comes out?). But it’s haaaarrrd to wait. I am very impatient!

In the meantime, here are the real subject lines of some of the Amazon reviews for it, along with what I then am guessing that the review says, without having actually read any of them:

My girlfriend loves it! (5 stars)
I have a girlfriend! She’s real and lives in Canada and sent me this picture of her modeling for Pantene that she clipped out of a magazine for me. She thinks the Chromebook is really fast, and loves how portable it is.

Impressed teens (5 stars)
Aww, WHAAAAAATT! Badass, brosef! Yo, that shit is TIGHT. I’m gonna tweet this. SMH. KML. Molly.

husband surprised (4 stars)
Of course, we’d spoken about having children before. We had both come from large families (2 brothers and 2 sisters for me, 3 sisters for him – poor guy!!) and wanted the same for ourselves. Three at least – maybe five! We even joked sometimes about a brood of thirteen, like Brad and Angie! But boy, was DH surprised when he came home from work yesterday and caught me vomiting out my egg sacs into the upstairs guest bathroom sink – 4,367 in all! We must have stayed up all night counting and re-counting them, after he fertilized them. Once they hatch, I think they’re really going to appreciate the 6+ hour battery life on this Chromebook. One word of warning, though: go for the solid-state drive. Much more reliable than the flash-based eMMC memory.

Suck (1 star)

Surprises Inside and Out *STUDENT REVIEW* (4 stars)
On the outside, the student seemed very scholarly, if a little nerdy. Always with his head in a book. He looked very intellectual, but…very PHYSICAL, too. After that one magical summer in Gull’s Haven, I would learn not to judge a bookworm by his cover.

Wow (5 stars)
Very Chromebook. So Google. Much web browse.

Windows, what? (5 stars)
Hmm? I’m sorry? No, my…my husband is still alive. Why? What? Oh. Yeah, she’s probably, like, my second-favorite Buffy character. Hmm? Flamingo? Pachinko? I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up. Limbo?

no! (2 stars)
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Not a real computer (1 star)
I ordered this product expecting, based on product descriptions and other reviews, a working, normal computer – my expectations weren’t all that that lofty or unreasonable, I thought! I just wanted something I could work on when travelling, use to surf the web when I’m away from my desk – you know, Facebook, email, that kind of thing. But what I got instead was an ancient burial urn, encrusted with the filth of a thousand generations, harboring the restless soul of Uzuzu the Impious, Teacher of Dark Rituals, Bringer of Unclean Ideation, Poisoner of Minds with Guilty Thought and Wicked Inclination. It has established in my heart many evil devices, and holds my family in a most impure sway. It doesn’t run Skype or itunes. Wish I’d known this before purchasing. Would not buy again.

Very Pleased (5 stars)
Much apps. So computing. Wow.

Really basic (3 stars)
This ho’s all: Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada. Also, screen cracked after 2 weeks and the chickenheads at Samsung said it wasn’t covered under the warranty. I don’t even bother.

So far this has been the WORST item I have ever purchased… (2 stars)
And I’m a HEROIN addict.

Its ok (2 stars)
I’m fine. It’s no big deal. Look, I just don’t want to talk about it, all right? Jesus.

jacob (5 stars)
love the very first computer ive owned thats why jacob from san antonio texas have to get one of your own
(Okay, that one is actually the real, full, directly-quoted review from Amazon. Doesn’t it kind of sound like one of those secret messages that serial killers and FBI agents write back and forth to each other in personals ads in Thomas Harris novels?)

Samsung Chromebook…Not Bad…Not Bad (4 stars)
 photo okayokay_zps7c737da8.gif

SO FAST – Light – Cool (4 stars)
very wow

I can’t even explain how awesome I think this laptop is. (5 stars)

So Easy! (5 stars)

Wish I would’ve liked it (3 stars)
What’s wrong with me? Will I ever learn to love?

Excellent purchase – very please. (5 stars)
So meme. Not old. Still amuse. Very joke. Wow.

  1. Shena’s avatar

    I am not proud of how hard I laughed at this.

  2. Isley’s avatar

    It’s spelled “Pazuzu.”