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here’s a thing

June 28, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 5 comments

Ever notice how in pregnancy test ads, ladies are always excited to get a positive outcome? (The only other option is a male announcer informing us that 98.8812% of ladies misread a pregnancy test BECAUSE THEY’RE SO STUPID, am I right ladies?? Ladies, eh?) (Incidentally, I’d really like to reaffirm that this post does most certainly NOT announce my pregnancy. Just saying.) But I would really like to see a pregnancy test where a lady in a communal dorm bathroom looks down at her pregnancy test, then sighs with relief and takes a sip of her 40 of MGD Light. Is all I’m saying. Speaking of, ever seen these ads? They’re not American. In America, people only have sex because they desperately wish for babies. So this ad would make no sense. But they’re interesting in a purely non-American, anthropological sense, right?

Anyway.

So Ian’s out of town. He’s doin’ mathiness. I’ve had a beer. So obviously now it’s time to put on some red lipstick and drink the random shot of pomegranate-flavored liqueur that Lauren left behind. (Should I not have linked to that? If not…TOOOO LATE SUCKAHHHH!!! Also, let me know, and I’ll delete. But also, it’s the internet, so it’s already TOOOOO LATE!!!!) She bought like a bottle of white wine (I know, right???) and this random shot of girl-flavored girl-booze last time she came to visit, and drank basically none of it. Because she’s a girl. And not an alcoholic, like the rest of us. WEIRD, right? So somebody had to bite the bullet. And everybody knows the best booze costs .99 cents.

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So. Here goes. Psyching myself up…!

Oh hey look there’s a cat.

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Okay, but no, really doing it for real.

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Oh hey look there’s the other cat, too!

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Okay. But for realsies, this time!!

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De…licious??

there are vulvas all around you

June 21, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 4 comments

It’s not a coincidence at all that Levitra’s logo is a bunch of vaginas, right?

I see what you did there.

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oops

June 3, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 2 comments

Someone should probably tell this company that they’ve accidentally named their medicine “Ass Effects.”

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hurk

June 2, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

Can I say that I hate this poster so much that I don’t even want to actually put it on my website because I never want to look at it again? Can I also say that I hate every single thing about it and you guys pretty much know all the things I’m talking about already, right? Like, I don’t have to explain why this is going to be tagged as “feminist rage,” right? But also as “designer’s rage” and “photoshopper’s rage” and “ugh why does Katherine Heigel inspire within me such feelings of lip-curling disdain” and “goddamnit they just drew her whole body on, didn’t they, and as proof, here is this other poster where they’ve obviously colored in her shoes and dress differently despite the fact that they’re really obviously still the same garments?” (It seems as though Ashton actually changed suits. Or at least shoes. And his bangs are brushed to the other side. ARG. WHY AM I STILL LOOKING AT THIS.)

ahahahahaha

January 2, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!

another reason christmas is dumb:

December 25, 2009 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 2 comments

This is so mind-bogglingly stupid that I can barely handle it. It was in an Au Bon Pain.

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“for example, the fluid in a blister”

November 8, 2009 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

“You know serums can make your face soft and healthy. Now get serums in a body wash!”

I think you think serum means something slightly different than what it technically does.

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Bah – this is an ad on tv, and I wish I could actually show you the thing itself, but I can’t find it anywhere. There’s some lady wandering around her bathroom, super-excited about the very scientific-sounding and vague “serums” that make her so pretty. (Also – fine – maybe serums come from milk or plants too, but it’s still something grosser than what that lady in her bathroom is imagining.) I don’t know why this pisses me off so much, but it feels really smug to me. Like somebody really thinks they’re pulling a fast one, or something. Like Don Draper deciding to start calling the tobacco “toasted” or like Cheerios suddenly putting a big sticker on the box that says “non-carcinogenic!” or something.

I’m watching Yo Gabba Gabba! for the first time ever. I realize I’m late to this bandwagon and everybody already is all up on its nuts, but…I just wanted to announce its greatness. Jack Black is teaching us how to disco-dance in this episode (EDIT: later, a robot reciprocates by teaching him how to do the robot). He rides a flying, talking motorcycle, and thinks Tudi is the greatest jumper ever, and just made a bunch of new friends and is singing about it. There’s a party in his tummy. No really. He said that. I’m going to dress up like every single one of these characters next Halloween. If you have not seen this show yet, DO SO.

Also, there’s a horror movie coming on in a half-hour that an imdb contributer describes thusly:

In Grovetown, there is a series of suicides after the suicide of an outcast teenager Sean (Shiloh Fernandez). His brother Aidan (Thomas Dekker) waits for the return of his cousin Sadie (Margo Harshman) to the family house for the funeral. When Dylan (Kelly Blatz), who is the fanatic Christian son of the reverend, beats up on Aidan, the undesirable youngster is helped by Dylan’s girlfriend Lindsey (Elizabeth Rice) that drives him home. They talk about Dylan’s mother Candace Spindle that had a grimoire to worship her pagan gods in a creek and was blamed by the god-fearing locals of murdering a man; then she died in a suspicious fire. Lindsey and Aidan befriend each other and sooner she finds that Sean has cursed the town with his own sacrifice unleashing an evil force that is leading the inhabitants to commit suicide. When Lindsey is chased by her evil image, Aidan decides to help her to stop the curse; but the price to be paid is high.

Ugh – I just spent the past 10 minutes searching for a video or an animated gif or something of Betty Draper shrieking “What is going ON?!?” but couldn’t find one. Google, why do you keep failing me tonight??

This is becoming slightly incomprehensible, I realize. I blog a lot, and incomprehensibly, when Ian is out of town. Blame him.

More soon, surely, as I get boreder and drunker! But for now, goodbye, goodbye!

GODDAMNIT, INTERNETZ, QUIT FAILING ME. IS THIS SERIOUSLY THE BEST VIDEO OF THIS YOU CAN GIVE ME???

Whatever. Here it is without the annoying kid, but also without Jack Black, but also with a reference to balls, so – even?

Goodbye Song – Yo Gabba Gabba!

take me home to my sensitive yet masculine husband

September 20, 2009 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

I love these commercials so effin much.

Strong, handsome young black dad doing very domestic things with his young son – and no mother in sight. Politically – and more importantly, economically, commercially, adverting-ally – what the heck is going on here? Who are these commercials selling to, exactly? I somehow can’t buy that these commercials are aimed at men or fathers or single fathers – these commercials are still aimed at women, I think. But where IS the mother in these ads? Is this a single father? Is the mother at work? Or is the mother simply not pictured in order to make it easier for the women watching this commercial to place themselves in that role?

But also, this commercial caught my eye on tv because I think it literally is the very first commercial I’ve ever seen where a man is shown using a domestic household cleaning product in a serious manner – that is, he’s not making a mess of dinner, or breaking the vacuum, or not understanding how to make the air freshener work, or whatever. This is a man doing women’s work, and doing it well, and doing it seriously, and the audience is supposed to appreciate it and find value in it and relate to him and find him enough of a role model that we want to emulate him and buy Tide. This is seriously something I cannot remember seeing previously.

Here’s another version that I wasn’t able to embed. And, just to spread the joy if you don’t already watch Sarah Haskins, here’s this:

no, incorrect.

September 14, 2009 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 1 comment

Dear Paw’in Around,

That construction only really works if the word that comes before “around” is a homophone for – or at least, like, rhymes-with or sounds-like – a word that SHOULD go before “around.” So, for instance, a cleaning service called “Messin’ Around” or a jester company (no, you know, a jester company, like you do) called “Foolin’ Around” or a massage parlor called “Jerkin’ Around” or a noose company called “Hangin’ Around” – these things would all work.

An example of something that does not work? “Paw’in Around.” Because THAT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING.

Love,

Jessica

PS YOUR GODDAMNED APOSTROPHE IS IN THE WRONG PLACE EFFIN QUIT IT.

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oh hai i’m fancy

August 30, 2009 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

Oh hello there I don’t believe we’ve met I’m a very fancy professional designer type person.

This is the website for the company where we had our summer theatre bookmarks and postcards and stuff printed. They’re now using my bookmark design as their example! I thought at first that they were just doing it because I was signed in, but then I realized that I totally wasn’t.

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This is basically just me cheesing out or whatever, and this design was also super-collaborative, anyway: all of the elements were basically a student’s idea, and I just sort of moved them around. But still! I’m counting this as a win.

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I’m pretty sure this makes me a Very Important Advertising Director.

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