gaga

(Because, no! Metal dudes totally do the Lady Gaga “put your paws up” thing like all the time! I don’t know, trust me. It’s a thing. Which you would know, if you, like I, had ever been to a real live…)

Metal show! My very first! It was called Martyrdoom, because, sure, why not. I can’t tell whether or not having your very first metal show ever be in Williamsburg makes it better or worse? It was sponsored by something called BrooklynVegan, for one thing. And I only saw ONE douchebag wearing a swastika t-shirt.

This is the photo I took of the douchebag’s shirt without flash:

This is the douchebag turning around and catching me while I tried to re-take it with flash:

Instinct took over and I sort of, like, pretended to be playing Tetris or something on my phone, very distracted, excuse me, douchebag, just over here minding my own business. But like 20 seconds later I realized what would have been the appropriate response to a scowling metalhead douchebag, upon his catching you trying to take a photo of the swastika on his tshirt: you look him in the eye, blandly, and inform him in a clear, firm tone: “Oh – I was taking a photo of the swastika on your tshirt.” Because really. What’s that guy going to do, right? I’m not lyin’.

Anyway, metal shows are ridiculous and also hard to photograph. Anu wore corpsepaint! Even the lead singer, who then promptly covered it all up with an extra-long hood which he never took off. This was literally the only photo I took which turned out the entire effing night, because someone else’s flash had gone off while I was taking it.

I need to figure out how to fucking carry around my real camera. It’s too big. (Good photos here. I cannot believe I didn’t stay for the guys in the gimp masks.)

Well first of all, sometimes I DO disagree with Gaga: this was not a better video than Bad Romance. Nonetheless.

A few notes:

* 0:33 – OMG I SWEAR TO GOD I HAVE THESE SHOES!

Somebody back me up! Who did I buy these with? Chelsea? Cyndi? I bought them at Priscilla’s in Lawrence, Kansas and they’re made of steel and they’re really heavy and they were on sale because, as the guy at the counter told me, they had a tendency to fly off of strippers’ feet while dancing (one had hit a guy in the head, requiring stitches) so no one was really buying them. They are currently in a box somewhere in Ian’s parents’ house and I am digging those motherfuckers out the next time we visit. And we’re pretty much going to have to go visit this weekend. Because fuck yeah.

I took notes. Follow along, why don’t we, with the video!

* 1:33 – Oh hai Monster Heartbeats.
* 1:38 – OMG THE SMOKING GLASSES ARE LITERALLY SMOKING YES PLS.
* 2:28 – Diet Coke can hair rollers! (Oh hai Diet Coke.)
* 2:49 – Hey – that’s brunette Gaga, isn’t it? Somehow this strikes me as clever – the girl who lives in costumes being at her most disguised when she’s in her natural hair color. Surely Ian will disagree with this analysis. EDIT: Okay, schooled, apparently that’s her sister. Well all right.

* 3:05 – This whole video features a very Madonna Gaga.
* 4:16 – Oh hai Virgin Mobile.
* 4:37 – Huh. It’s real, but less wink-wink-punny-cute than they’ve implied.
* 4:57 – Ha! Beyonce eating!
* 5:20 – The Pussy Wagon scenes actually kind of look (and sound) like a Tarantino film, right? The lighting, the self-conscious movie-reference dialogue. (The titles from the beginning, too.) Maybe these things are supposed to be very obvious and not worth pointing out. Fine, then. Instead: Beyonce’s lipstick!
* 5:44 – Oh hai Polaroid.
* 6:24 – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHABAGUETTEPHONE.

* 6:36 – “Let’s make a sandwich!”
* …Wait, she’s actually making a sandwich.
* 6:47 – Oh hai Miracle Whip!
* 6:47 – Oh hai Wonder Bread!
* 6:58 – Ha! Gaga eating, too!
* 7:16 – Ha! Waitress Vogue!
* 8:06 – Oh noe! The great dane died!! (Aren’t there two of them, though, usually?) (Holy moses – I’m suddenly wondering if they’re the same two harlequin great danes that are on The Office these days? Are these, like, famous acting dogs?)
* 9:13 – She promises to never come back! …Followed by a “to be continued!” Man that’s cute.
* Okay, no time right now to go through and read the credits in slo-mo. I’m sure people have. Anything interesting?

PS – LETTUCEPHONE.

PPS – Since now is as good a time as any – these are hardly ever updated, but just in case you were wondering, yes, I DO write a twitter as Alejandro, and yes, I DO have a “Fuck Yeah Gaga’s Bodyguard” tumbler.

PPPS – TWO BAGUETTEPHONES??? Come on! Stop it! That’s too many baguettephones! …What do you think they’re talking about?