i hate my co-workers

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er…hold on a sec

March 11, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

Um, okay. This is akward, but I suddenly realized something that makes me want to write an addendum to the “fuck you asshole tech bastards” post.

I, um…remembered that I read the blog of one of our tech guys. And that, theoretically, since he’s, you know, a tech guy…it’s possible that he may some day find mine, as well. I want that guy and the other one specific guy I was working with the other day to know that that post was not about them. No, really! It was about the third party who joined the convo late and didn’t sign their email to me other than to sign it as “University Tech People” or whatever that group’s name is, and who obviously didn’t read any of the previous emails and who told me stupid stuff that had nothing to do with what I was trying to do and who made me very very punchy. The two real, specific people, though, that I had been emailing back-and-forth with for like two days prior this one infuriating email I got: they’re okay.

Frankly, one of them also told me to visit this handy little site called www.google.com, but on the whole, they were helpful. Ish. I still solved the problem not the way they suggested. But that’s not their fault – I just didn’t want to admit to them that my knowledge of transfer protocols or whatever basically consists of “maybe this button? did that work? no? fuck,” so I had to figure out a different way. (Via, incidentally, this handy little site I’ve heard of….)

Also, though? Hilarious addendum to this story as a whole? Remember the person who also re-designed my poster into ugly oblivion? She’s the same person who very very very politely insisted I try again when I told her that, no, I couldn’t do this tech thing she requested, and thanked me very very very politely for my creativity in solving this problem. SO FINE. I decided I would do it and get it done out of pure furious spite, thus the two days wrangling with all these tech people, etc. And I did it! I succeeded! It worked! It was beautiful! And perfect! And…it turns out, this woman didn’t know what a “jpeg” was. So when she was asking me to “do X to a jpeg,” the hard thing that took me a long time to complete, what she really meant was “do X to an email,” which is very very very very very very easy. Which is, frankly, typing a thing into an email.

Oh my god I hate you so much.

oh fuck you so much

March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 2 comments

Dear Cocksuckers in the Tech Dept,

I already told you that I tried that. And also that other thing, and that other thing. And the reason I used fancy tech words when I told you so was so that you would believe me. And that other thing wasn’t what I asked you. And if you tell me to go to www.google.com ever again I will set your children on fire.

Suck on a clod of shit you lazy ignorant assholes,

Jessica

FINE.

March 3, 2010 in Uncategorized by Jessica | 2 comments

So I was in the middle of making a very long and arch post about this, when Ian pointed out that it was not worth getting fired over. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but I will self-censor in the interest of maintaining a paycheck with which to buy my future tickets to the new-and-improved version of the Monster Ball once it comes back. Living Dress*, I’m doing this for you!

So the shortened version of this Very Furious Post? Someone (who is not in my department, is not my boss, and is not a graphic designer) sent me this note, on a flier I had created, via email:

all of the title fonts and names look too rickety – not very serious. I’m sure you know these are profound mature men, exemplary writers and scholars….I feel the current font looks to frivolous

**

(Incidentally, I would be remiss not to add: muthafuckin [sic,] yo.)

She went on, later, to ask me to re-space the vertical space between lines of text so that everything was completely equidistant (the “x presents…” equidistant from the title of the event equidistant from the word “with” equidistant from the names of the participants…).

That is all.

(This does, though, at least make me feel like a real designer, which is a bonus.)

*Incidentally – did the Jim Henson company actually make this dress? Anybody know? I think she’s said it was “inspired” by Hussein Chalayan, but I haven’t heard who actually made it?

**PROFOUND AND MATURE MEN.

lol

November 4, 2009 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

I shouldn’t post this, but this just came to my work email:

TO ALL,
GOD BLESS US ALL and I pray all are praying and all are well. AMEN! Know that life is the blessing and that is all. All us is better than great!! LOL!! JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!! Stay in prayer, stay aware, and love those that dont love you. AMEN!! It’s easy to love those who love you!! AMEN!!

REVELATIONS: 22
MATTHEW 5:21-26
MATTHEW 8:11-12
PROVERBS: 1:7
PROVERBS 9:10
JOB 28:28
JAMES 1:2-7

GOD BLESS US ALL and KEEP OUR EYES ON THE FATHER and JESUS DAY and NIGHT,

Brian

I’m on this guy’s list because he’s a dancer who performed at our school once. I would feel too guilty to ask him to remove me. Even atheists can’t avoid religious guilt! Stupid god.

:(

January 28, 2008 in craft blog by Jessica | 2 comments

So you know how you live in Spanish Harlem?  And you know how it’s basically the worst fucking place in the world?  And how sometimes you come home from work and you’re already a little bit pissy anyway for various stupid reasons that are far too annoying to go into and you’re walking to the store to buy brocolli and the people who live in your neighborhood are just the most loathesome ingrates in the world?  And they’re spitting on the street and they’re cursing at their children and they’re hissing nasty things at you?  (And you know how you’re just terrified that this is going to make you a racist and you blame these stupid fucks for that, too?)  And so you go to the store and the people in the store are even WORSE, like they always are, and it’s awful and you hate it and you’re dying, just a little, inside, yet again, but you’re telling yourself that you’re going to have the best beer ever once you get home?  And then you get home, and you go inside,  and you put down your grocery bags and you skritch your cat and you reach for the beer and you realize that YOU FUCKING FORGOT TO BUY IT and so now you HAVE TO GO BACK or else do without but that’s no choice at all, now is it? 

Don’t you hate when that happens?.

Anyway, I made a hat.

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It’s fucking awesome. But in case you’re still confused as to its awesomicitude, herewith follows a quick question-and-answer period:

FAQ: Does this hat make you an Olympic swimmer from the 1920s?
A: Yes.

FAQ: Wouldn’t this hat be even cuter with a little chin strap that attached with a giant vintage-looking wooden button?
A: Yes. I would be making said addition tonight if it wasn’t for infuriating work stupidness which, again, far too stupid to go into.

FAQ: Is that really the best picture you took?
A: Yes.

FAQ: Srsly?
A: Fuck you. I hate you.

FAQ: No, but really – I know you want to tell. What’s the annoying work thing?
A: So okay. I crocheted this little cat thing for my boss. It’s a little white…cat…thing…and it’s supposed to be her cat, right? And it’s fucking annoying and hard because I don’t like to crochet and there are all these multiple little parts and it’s a pain in my ass. So anyway, there’s this other chick at work, and one day she noticed this cat I had made for my boss, and she has cats, too, and the next day was her birthday, and she was just GUSHING. So I made her two little crocheted cats that were supposed to be her cats, but I used a different, slightly easier pattern. Not MUCH easier, because I still hate to crochet, but slightly. And she’s always always telling me that I should sell my things and they’re cute and stuff, and she’s super nice, really. And I very specifically told her one day that I don’t want to sell them because I don’t want to HAVE to make them, because then it’s not fun. And her responce was, “Well, who says you HAVE to?” but um that’s stupid because if I’m selling them, then I do. ANYWAY. So she’s now all like, “You should make one of these for my nieces and nephews for Valentine’s day,” and I’m like, “Fucking greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.” And then the next day she was like, “Actually, why don’t you just go ahead and make like a FUCKING MEELION of them for each of my neices and nephews because you’ve obviously got nothing better to do, like make an awesome strap for your hat, or make a skirt to take to Miami, or finish that orange cardigan, or, you know, I don’t know, fuck around and not make anything at all.” And she’s all, “I’ll pay you.” And first of all, AKWARD. Because what am I supposed to charge a woman that I really honestly do like, despite my current bitching, for a thing that costs me maybe 2 cents and looks like it takes no time at all but which is BORING and kind of HARD and mostly STUPID? And even if I did charge her 5 bucks, which looks high considering that these are stupid little nothing things, then – what? What am I supposed to do with your stupid 30 bucks? I don’t want your stupid 30 bucks. I want to not have to stay up late crocheting ugly dumb things when I could be making stuff that’s awesome and fun and for free. That’s what I want. Can you pay me in that?

So there.

more…

December 26, 2007 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

More from the little kid:

“Mommy, if one of us fell down, would we die?” [didn't hear answer, but apparently it was stuffed chock full of cold hard truth] “Well but we won’t ever do that then, okay?”

Here’s something about little kids: I like having little fantasies about how I’d be the rock-star cool adult, not for any of the lame reasons, but because we’d have intellectual conversations. “Are you going to church?” “No.” “Why not?” “Well! Let me tell you AAAAAALLLLLL about it!” But whenever these opportunities have come up, I either totally freeze, terrified (“Is that your husband?” “No, it’s my boyfriend.” “BUT YOU LIVE TOGETHER????” “Um! Well! Um!” Then the mother smoothly steps in with, “Yes.” Which satisfies the child completely.) or else kids just don’t fucking care (“Well, you see, some boys like other boys and want to live with them and love them and get married and -” “Can we play Disney Princesses?” “Well, yes, but are you sure you wouldn’t rather play US Supreme Court Appointee?” “You be Belle and I’ll be Ariel.” “Isn’t Ariel’s constant physical incapacitation until marriage interesting? Do you think that a mermaid wanting to be human is kind of like a black person wanting to be white? And what about Belle’s relationship with a violent abusive monster whom she tries to change through love and domestication? And why is Mulan considered a ‘princess’ when she never actually played a Princess in the movie? And did you know that the real Pocahontas was only twelve when she met this John person and then she died a sad lonely death due to Scarlet Fever? Huh? Huh? Did you know that? Get back here with that glitter, damnit!”).

one of…

December 26, 2007 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

One of my co-workers brings in her little kid every once in a while, and I usually end up babysitting. I guess you probably know how much I like this. Pluses: I get to show off my origami and drawing skills. Minuses: listening to children breathe, having her re-arrange the photos on my cube wall and in doing so actually poke push-pin holes through them (whereas I always carefully place the pins around the photos so that they remain undamaged and go FUCKING CRAZY when there are those ugly stupid tiny fucking holes). Uh, actually, more minuses: Webkinz, Thomas the Train, marker marks all over my desk, crumbs, watching children eat, receiving drawings, the inevitable cold three days later, reminding her to say “thank you” to people, having people mistake her for something that came from my vagina. Basically everything else?

But actually, she’s doing something kind of hilarious right now. She’s sitting at the cubicle in front of me, pretending to be the worst secretary in the world. She keeps typing documents that say, “jkwodishandf osdfi9hawe f 9asdgnagflas as eo;as oa engas;dfigahaw asla” and answering the phone and saying things like, “Yes? He is booked. He will be out of the office on Saturday and Sunday and Wednesday. No, on Saturday and Wednesday and Friday and…and…Friday and Saturday. No, on Friday and Saturday and Wednesday. And he will be in for a little while on Wednesday, but then he has to leave, because he is going to meet his friends. But he will be in tomorrow. I can tell my boss about that. Yes, to see him to go in and then wait by his desk. Okay, I will put you in my book. This is my book. Okay, hold on, let me tell my boss. She says I can do that, but I can’t do it again, because she’s very very busy.” (I was literally dictating that.)

Anyway. That’s all.

i feel…

December 24, 2007 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

I feel like I know better than to post things like this on my blog, where eventually, maybe, somehow, this will get back to the people that it shouldn’t be getting back to. But I’ve really got no choice in the matter. For you, my adoring reading public, I must make this sacrifice.

So here.

This is what I got for Christmas from my boss.

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i have…

December 19, 2007 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

I have co-workers. Sometimes they clean out their closets. They give me things. I accept those things. I keep them all shoved into the same gallon-sized Ziplock bag stored in a corner of the cardboard box that we use for all the spare computer parts and wires and old cds and instruction manuals and things. Then I throw them away. Here are a few of the things I’ve been given recently:

This rayon/spandex turtleneck was given to me just before I left for Paris, with the specific instructions to wear it there because it looked “European.”

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

The woman who gave me this shirt told me that when she saw it, she thought of me. She said that it reminded her of me. Then I died, just a little, on the inside.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

This purse is suede. And purple. I think I owned these gloves when I was nine. Mehhhh…I can’t complain about these gloves. I’m 100% going to wear them for the first big snowfall in Central Park, so, you know. Thanks, Boss!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Here’s, uh, something else that my boss gave me. She’s, I don’t know, 62? And like 5 feet tall and sooooooo Brooklyn that she pronounces my co-worker’s name as “Pawler.” And I don’t know. She gave me TWO of these, actually.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Digby went NUTS with the happy-feet ecstacy claw thing on that crocheted shirt. I thought that was nice, so I let her have at it.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Anyway, thanks, work people!

at work…

July 27, 2007 in Uncategorized by Jessica | No comments

At work, one of the things I handle is this the Absence Memos. A secreary sends me this memo in triplicate, I note it down and do what I have to do with it, then I divide the three parts up and mail one to the secretary’s supervisor, one to the secretary, and keep one for myself. (Yeah, yeah: this is slow, inefficient, and wasteful, and should all be done electronically. Thank you, Ian. Nevertheless.) One of the blanks that the secretary has to fill out on this form is “Location.” The proper answer to this question is something along the lines of “36-220B,” that is, floor 36, pair of desks 220, to the left. Or whatever. But this is the one line of the form that secretaries fuck up more than any other. Now, when the secretaries put something like “NYO” or “New York,” it’s annoying (because I have to manually look up their location to send their third of the memo to them) but sort of forgivable. It seems based in ignorance. They just don’t realize that ALL of the Absence Memos are processed here in NYC as opposed to one of our other offices. They think they’re being helpful. Fine. But when a secretary just puts “36″ (as in, floor 36), I take a deep and bitter personal offense. This, to me, really reads like arrogance. Like they’re so fucking important that I and the mail pages all know exactly where they sit and don’t need any more help than just the floor. When I get these memos marked like this, I keep them in a special file in my desk drawer for a few extra days before I mail them out. No one has ever noticed, but if anyone ever does, I’ll answer, “Oh, gosh. I sent it days ago. It must have gotten lost in the mail. Did you put your full address on the memo?”

I LIVE for this shit. I am the queen of petty passive agression. You will not know that you’ve angered me. But suddenly! Oh yes! You will encounter a single small annoyance once day! And you will wonder…was it Jessica? And then you will quickly forget it and move on with your day.

Other things that have pissed me off in the past day:

* A woman with long toenails.
* A teenager looking at a magazine and squealing to a friend, “I want a baby like that!”
* An MTA employee, lazily lazily lazily waving people toward the train. Like, what? We can’t see it sitting there? We’ll get lost from here to the doorway? Thanks for the help, friend!@!!1
* Duane Reade employees who say “You’re welcome” after I say “Thank you.” I’m not ACTUALLY thanking you, asshole – and your line is “Thank YOU.”
* An attorney who took a really long time putting his ID card away in line at the cafeteria.
* Summer Associates talking about how drunk they get, and falling asleep in their offices.
* Every single one of my co-workers.

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