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January 28, 2008 in craft blog by Jessica | 2 comments

So you know how you live in Spanish Harlem? And you know how it’s basically the worst fucking place in the world? And how sometimes you come home from work and you’re already a little bit pissy anyway for various stupid reasons that are far too annoying to go into and you’re walking to the store to buy brocolli and the people who live in your neighborhood are just the most loathesome ingrates in the world? And they’re spitting on the street and they’re cursing at their children and they’re hissing nasty things at you? (And you know how you’re just terrified that this is going to make you a racist and you blame these stupid fucks for that, too?) And so you go to the store and the people in the store are even WORSE, like they always are, and it’s awful and you hate it and you’re dying, just a little, inside, yet again, but you’re telling yourself that you’re going to have the best beer ever once you get home? And then you get home, and you go inside, and you put down your grocery bags and you skritch your cat and you reach for the beer and you realize that YOU FUCKING FORGOT TO BUY IT and so now you HAVE TO GO BACK or else do without but that’s no choice at all, now is it?

Don’t you hate when that happens?.

Anyway, I made a hat.

It’s fucking awesome. But in case you’re still confused as to its awesomicitude, herewith follows a quick question-and-answer period:

FAQ: Does this hat make you an Olympic swimmer from the 1920s?
A: Yes.

FAQ: Wouldn’t this hat be even cuter with a little chin strap that attached with a giant vintage-looking wooden button?
A: Yes. I would be making said addition tonight if it wasn’t for infuriating work stupidness which, again, far too stupid to go into.

FAQ: Is that really the best picture you took?
A: Yes.

FAQ: Srsly?
A: Fuck you. I hate you.

FAQ: No, but really – I know you want to tell. What’s the annoying work thing?
A: So okay. I crocheted this little cat thing for my boss. It’s a little white…cat…thing…and it’s supposed to be her cat, right? And it’s fucking annoying and hard because I don’t like to crochet and there are all these multiple little parts and it’s a pain in my ass. So anyway, there’s this other chick at work, and one day she noticed this cat I had made for my boss, and she has cats, too, and the next day was her birthday, and she was just GUSHING. So I made her two little crocheted cats that were supposed to be her cats, but I used a different, slightly easier pattern. Not MUCH easier, because I still hate to crochet, but slightly. And she’s always always telling me that I should sell my things and they’re cute and stuff, and she’s super nice, really. And I very specifically told her one day that I don’t want to sell them because I don’t want to HAVE to make them, because then it’s not fun. And her responce was, “Well, who says you HAVE to?” but um that’s stupid because if I’m selling them, then I do. ANYWAY. So she’s now all like, “You should make one of these for my nieces and nephews for Valentine’s day,” and I’m like, “Fucking greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.” And then the next day she was like, “Actually, why don’t you just go ahead and make like a FUCKING MEELION of them for each of my neices and nephews because you’ve obviously got nothing better to do, like make an awesome strap for your hat, or make a skirt to take to Miami, or finish that orange cardigan, or, you know, I don’t know, fuck around and not make anything at all.” And she’s all, “I’ll pay you.” And first of all, AKWARD. Because what am I supposed to charge a woman that I really honestly do like, despite my current bitching, for a thing that costs me maybe 2 cents and looks like it takes no time at all but which is BORING and kind of HARD and mostly STUPID? And even if I did charge her 5 bucks, which looks high considering that these are stupid little nothing things, then – what? What am I supposed to do with your stupid 30 bucks? I don’t want your stupid 30 bucks. I want to not have to stay up late crocheting ugly dumb things when I could be making stuff that’s awesome and fun and for free. That’s what I want. Can you pay me in that?

So there.

mousies

August 30, 2007 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

I made these for a work friend’s niece and nephew:

And these, with catnip inside, for her two cats, Ruby and Pearly-Pearl-Pearl:

Apparently Ruby has a pretty bad catnip problem. I’m such an enabler.

Also there’s this, which I found in Elle and don’t think is particularly cute or even really intersting, but I somehow feel I would be remiss to not put in my knitting blog, so, well, here:

ohio

August 20, 2007 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

Yay, Ohio!

So, I’m in Ohio, and I know, I know, TONS of tourist attractions. But OF COURSE, the one I absolutely had to see was the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Museum and Library. But imagine my horror upon discovering a blatant mistake in the midst of this wonderful place of learning!

Any idiot could tell you: Mrs. Ida Saxton McKinley most certainly did NOT knit these slippers for President Hayes. She crocheted them.

i’m mean

July 30, 2007 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

One of my friends who is still in the very early stages of learning to knit called me up tonight, struggling mightily over the increases in the first Stich-N-Bitch book’s kerchief pattern. I did my best to help. Also, though I didn’t, like, tell her so or anything, I quickly popped one out myself and felt pretty holier-than-her:

Yeah, that’s right. I, a person who’s been knitting for a few years, can indeed pop out a very smally garter-stitched triangle faster than my friend who just started. Color YOU impressed!

imperfect!!!

July 26, 2007 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

Based on this way-awesome pattern from Knitty that wasn’t nearly as ugly as mine turned out to be.

But check this out!

THAT IS TOO MANY NEEDLES AT ONCE!!!! THAT’S CUH-RAAAAAYYYZEEEEEEE!!!

Also, and I don’t know if this is some kind of semi-racist myth or what, but I’ve heard that the Navajos (or possibly whoever it is who makes those insanely intricate Middle Eastern rugs?) always purposely weave a flaw into their craft work so as not to offend god. Like, god is the only one who should be able to make anything that is perfect, so they don’t want to make him mad or jealous or offended or whatever by making something that is too perfect. I like that very much, first of all, because it paint a picture of a hilariously petty god, so easily matched that these people have to constantly be on their toes not to outdo him. I like to imagine playing Connect Four or Battleship with this god. But also I like this story because it gives me a handy excuse for the constant mistakes I make. Here is my Navajo mistake on these gloves:

Now, I discovered this line, where I had accidentally purled where I should have knitted, maybe three or four rows beyond where I made it. These are small gloves in a simple pattern. It would have cost me only maybe fifteen minutes worth of hassle to frog back to the mistake and undo it. But serial. That’s an awful lot of hassle. And, you know. There’s god to consider. So for whoever gets this ugly gloves for xmas (I’m thinking probably Cyndi. YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!!), no fair complaining about that flaw, or god will strike you down.

Love,

Jessica

knuckle sammy

December 27, 2006 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

Okay, so this is mostly just, like, a public letter to Shena (but then, frankly…), but also, I want to save this for posterity so that I will always remember how totally awesome this was:

So I just got THE BEST compliment EVER on the subway ride home just now. I was wearing my green “knuckle sandwich” Knucks. In one hand, I was holding up the NYTimes crossword, and with the other, I was holding onto a bar, so both my hands were basically visible, if you really wanted to read them hard enough. There were a bunch of loud, rowdy early-teen boys sitting off somewhere to my right, but I wasn’t really paying attention to them. But then, at some point, one of them said, “Miss? I really like your gloves.” And I was like, “Yay!” And another one said, “They say ’sandwich?’ Like a knuckle sandwich? That’s really cool.” And then one said, “Where did you get them?” And another said, “I think she got them at the H&M back there.” And then I said, “No, I made them!” And then…well, then I got tired of typing “and then one said,” so:

“Wow! Really? How do you do that?”
“Fool, it’s called knitting. My moms tried to teach me to knit when I was a little kid.”
“Really?”
“Ah, but that was a long time ago, yo.”
“No, man, I didn’t mean it like that. Knitting’s all right.” (But like it was one word, you know: arright.)
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, man.”

Then we call kind of nodded sagely at one another, and then went back to what we had been doing before: me to my crossword, them to discussing, rather loudly, whether the knitter was just a total pussy and trying to claim that the guy who thought knitting was all right and his other friends couldn’t get high without him, or whether actually they HAD been sneaking around behind his back and not inviting him to get high with them because one of them knew that he was robbing houses and thought that he had robbed yet another friend’s house, when in actuality, that had been Tony, and even if it HAD been the knitter, THAT’S the REAL pussy thing (not letting your friend get high with you for revenge for robbery).

things…

December 27, 2006 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

Okay, so, here were things I gave:

This is a really awful photo, both of Ian and the scarf, but this was supposed to be Jay McCarroll’s scarf from the final runway show of Project Runway, for Ian’s little sister:

I think she pretty genuinely liked it. It’s just garter stitch, over and over and over and over, and it took me like three months to complete because, #1, it’s the single most boring thing in the whole entire world, and also, #2, the longest. I do think it turned out pretty neat looking, though. a little rough and raggedy around the color changes, but still cool.

Knucks for Shena:

Kinda weirdly poofy, and all of the fingers are of slightly different and totally random lengths that have nothing to do with the actual length of human fingers…but she SAID she liked them. And I will choose to believe her.

And finally:

The Bzzz Queen Bee Hat from S&B (Nation, I think?), for my madre. Finding and buying buttons was a bit of an ordeal – first I couldn’t find them, then I found one set on ebay but then later on realized that they weren’t real BUTTONS, but instead just plastic bees with flat backs for, like, scrapbooking or something, finally found some others in the city (at P&S Yarns, in case anybody else is looking – nice and cheap, too – much cheaper than the ones on ebay), and then received the ebay ones in the mail finally and found out that they WERE real buttons. So there’s like 16 buttons on this thing, of two different types. I think it only makes it cuter. I think my mom will like it very much. It did turn out sort of weirdly loose-ish. Like, it’s not actually too big, or anything, but I think it was maybe designed on purpose to be slightly too big so that all of the weird horizontal ribbing stuff would tighten up and it would still fit in the end? Or maybe that’s totally wrong, but somehow it just feels a little loose, even though it actually fits and looks perfectly right.

But so those are the things I made. Also a really awesome set of knitted felted bowls for Ian’s mom, which I guess I didn’t photograph. Lion’s Brand, in these nice warm rustic reds and greens and browns. She didn’t say anything, so I’m frankly a bit worried, but when I gave them to her, I was sure she’d love them. But whatevs. Also a pair of black wristwarmers, which I guess I also didn’t photograph, for a friend at work, which, incidentally, contained my very first-ever attempt at cables, which were super-easy (though actually I DID accidentally work the pattern upside-down, so it ended up looking less like a braid than like a weird twist that got interrupted and re-started at like these regular intervals), but which I’m STILL not totally convinced aren’t just plain ugly. Cables, that is, not my wristwarmers, which were made of this really really nice cashmere-like dark black merino wool and which were really sort of classy and nice and which I wanted to keep for myself. I INTENDED to knit/crochet/make much, much more but, well. You know.

I also gave to two different new knitter friends these totally fucking AWESOME tiny little stitch markers (they’re sheep – get it? and there are three white sheep and one black sheep – get it??? oh fuck that’s so cute I can barely even stand it.), but I don’t think either of them really appreciated them. One of these two is already probably pretty much advanced past the need for stitch markers, and the other has not advanced enough yet to know what they are or what they’re for. Le sigh. Fuck it, though. They’re still cute. Also gave away two copies of S&B, and received a copy of the S&B crocheting book in return. An orgy of Stoller!!! (Mmm…dirty.) (And also, I never said I don’t think, but I totally saw Stoller recently and was all shy and star-struck. She was at the Bustacular craft fair thing in Brooklyn, handing out copies of the latest issue of Bust [which I already had, but took anyway, because I was too shy to say so]. I wanted to say something to her, but was far too cheesy and lame to do it. Yay!) And also a copy of the Yarn Harlot book, which I haven’t even started to pretend to read yet. Alas, poor Infinite Jest, I just recently passed the point where I stopped reading you last time, and it’s not looking so good for you once again. And I think that’s all, crafty-wise.

Phew! Merry Xmas! Whee!

Ugly hats for poor children.

November 22, 2006 in craft blog by Jessica | No comments

I don’t think I ever actually posted the picture of my finished hat for the cold African babies:

The stripes were super-cute, until I realized that one would be completely covered up as soon as the brim was flipped up, and only one stripe wasn’t nearly as cute as two. Oh, well. My super-sassy note to the president says: “Dear Mr. President, I support life, too, just like you do! That’s why I think you should stop sending innocent young Americans to die in Iraq. Imagine the money you could save, and which you could then spend on things like antibiotics for babies. Just a thought. Jessica.” I’m sure THAT’S the final straw that’s gonna get through to the guy!