As a public service for those of you who may have missed the third and final presidential debate (and there’s no shame in that! Kenley was wearing a funny hat!), I hereafter will helpfully summarize it for you. You’re welcome, voting public. (Things in bold are, I swear to fucking god, actual real quotes.)
Anderson Cooper: “Welcome to the debate and stuff.”
McCain: “Americans are hurting right now and they’re angry. They’re hurting and they’re angry. And they’re angry, and they have every reason to be angry. But mostly they’re angry and they’re hurting. I know a plumber. Don’t worry about it – I’ll let you know more about him in a bit.”
Obama: “Clean coal!”
McCain: “Joe the Plumber!”
Obama: “Joe the Plumber!”
McCain: “Wait – clean coal was mine!”
Joe the Plumber: “Brass pipe fittings!”
McCain: “I am very hurt and sad.”
Obama: “Are you fucking kidding me, you little crybaby?”
Joe the Plumber: “I wish you guys would talk about football now.”
Obama: “Oh, congratulations on your stupid little football game, there, crybaby.”
McCain: “I love Clinton somehow for some reason now!”
Obama: “Warren Buffett Warren Buffett Warren Buffett.”
Warren Buffet: “Joe the Plumber!”
Anderson Cooper: “You guys have been running a negative campaign, which everyone agrees is bad. You’ve said mean things in ads, but would you ever dare say such awful things to each other here, face-to-face?”
McCain: “Yes, and thank you very much for this lovely opportunity.”
McCain: “I don’t care about no washed up terrorist.”
Obama: “Please stop insulting my very good friend Ayers by calling him a no-longer-very-good-terrorist, and also my other very good friends Chavez and Osama who as a funny I joke I sometimes call him Obama and he calls me Osama and we pretend it was on accident and like lift up our eyebrows and then we say, ‘No, no, I only kid,’ and then we get ice cream.”
Warren Buffett: “Hey, guys!”
McCain: “Palin is a role model for women.”
Joe the Plumber, speaking for Jessica the Outraged: “Why is that so horribly offensive? Is it just because she’s a frightening role model? Or is McCain’s statement really just as patronizing as it seems to me, Joe the Plumber, speaking for Jessica the Outraged?”
McCain: “She understands special needs families.”
Joe the Plumber, speaking for Jessica the Outraged: “Oh goddamnit, how does birthing a reeree make you qualified in any way to run a country? And how does not having birthed a reeree make you in any way less qualified to help people who have? This isn’t a fucking beauty pageant platform, dude. She has to do other stuff, also, then just give birth to issues.”
McCain: “Her husband’s a pretty tough guy, too!”
Joe the Plumber, speaking for Jessica the Outraged: “So don’t worry, fellahs! We’ve got someone you can trust backing up that fragile, fertile little womb of hers!”
Anderson Cooper: “So would Sarah Palin make a good vice president?”
Obama: “That’s going to be up to the American people.”
Joe the Plumber, speaking for Jessica the Heartwarmed: “He’s so tactful!”
McCain: “He’s going to tell you, as the extreme environmentalist, ‘It has to be safe!’” [Because that is fucking extreme: safety.]
McCain: “Joe the Plumber doesn’t have any health care!”
Obama: “Goddamnit, Joe the Plumber makes a quarter of a million dollars a year, but it’s very difficult for me to just come out and say that he’s rich, because somehow that’s offensive.”
McCain: “Oh, congratulations, Joe, you’re rich!”
Joe the Plumber: “Yay!”
Obama: “Yes, Joe, if you’re out there!!!”
Joe the Plumber: “Wait, one of you is being sarcastic.”
McCain: “We’re going to do everything we can to approve adoption in this country.”
Obama: “Not me. I hate adoption! I’m all like, ‘Yo, sorry, Timmy, you haven’t been adopted yet and your sixth birthday is coming up tomorrow, so, like, later, duder. Time for an abortion!”
McCain: “Parents come with children. Precious children. Also some crappy ones, too. I mean, mostly good. Like, half are good. Half are precious, delicious children.”
Obama: “Oh my god, what are you even talking about, dude?”
And then some other stuff happened. The guys on PBS were bored. There were like literally 18 commentators on CNN and they all had little laptops with CNN mugs sitting behind their laptops where they couldn’t have reached them if they’d wanted to. I think Obama won because he made me want to hug him.
The end!
PS – OMG BARBIE FOR PRESIDENT 2008! For some reason you don’t see it there in that link, but she apparently comes with a, ah, dog.
I don’t doubt one iota that the 2000 edition looked like Condoleeza Rice and the 2004 looked like Clinton, and that those things were on purpose. Is it possible that this one began production post-Palin? I mean, she doesn’t seem like she’s really been around long enough for Matel to have designed this for her. It must take more than six weeks to design a Barbie. Though, I guess maybe “brown hair” isn’t really all that difficult to put into production. But, man, they got Palin’s pink inauguration gown and laptop down just perfectly, huh?
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