pr

BEST.  EPISODE.  EVER.

First of all, can they please just pick up a third curly-haired interesting black lady for the final three?  And, like, skip the rest of the stupid episodes?  And instead, just show these three ladies, like, chatting and drinking whiskey-drinks and making brightly colored pretty things?

And second of all -

“You can tell her that you’ve been to a different rodeo.  And don’t you know what with me, sister.”

Fuck you, everything else in the whole world: you’ve just been relegated to second place.

All right, all right, I give in: Terri is my new favorite.

“I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or va-jay-jay, but he needs to work that out. Cause – I ain’t got no babies, ain’t nobody sucking on my titties, so please – man up.”

Am I allowed to use that whole thing as my new catchphrase? Is a personal catchphrase allowed to be like two long sentences long?

Oh, man, and how much do I LUUUUUUUUV Leanne’s little scarf here???

Dear Leanne, please make me 8 of these scarves, kthnxbi, luv Jessica.

So obviously I gave up writing recaps or reviews or whatever of Project Runway once it stopped being fun to tease France-Ian about not being able to see it. (God, side-note: how ebarrassingly wrong I was about Christian, though I won’t lie, I believed it a LONG way into that season. And you know what? I STILL think he made too many boring tailored jackets. So THERE.) (Also, sigh, making up fun nicknames is always the best part of the season and who CARES this year? Where are you, GlamourMom and FatChris and MySpace and JeffChrist and all the other good nicknames-slash-people-I-gave-a-shit-about? Even Dave White isn’t making up names this season. Er – speaking of which…) And this season is just all weird anyway with the no promos and the almost-missing-it and the no-intro and the Bravo weirdness, and the probably being the last watchable season because seriously, like, Lifetime? I mean I hate to be that fan, but, no, really, and also, what’s an Editor-at-Large, anyway? Is she, like, running from the Elle-law? But, the one thing that never, ever fails to amuse about PR is Dave White and his sweet, friendly, basically-mostly-on-point(-and-if-off-point,-then-just-off-point-enough-to-be-worthwhile-for-discussion’s-sake) recaps from Advocate. (PS – type in “www.theadvocate.com” accidentally into your browser. Is that as funny as I think it is? I like to pretend that they’re really, really conservative. That makes it funny. Also, the current ad, when I look at it, is for an interview with Sebastian Bach, who, in 1989, wore a t-shirt that said something mean about fags, and who, I swear this is true, I stopped listening to, in 1989, when I was apparently eight years old and that’s crazy, I would have guessed I was at least 11, because eight is fucking nuts, but I stopped listening to because even then I knew that was mean, even though Skid Row was totally one of my totally favorite bands at the time (I am, I am not ashamed to brag, one of the world’s great silent boycotters – you may not know I am boycotting you, but oh, oh I am) – and, oh, I know I should post or at least link to that ad or photo, and I swear, I’ve screen-grabbed it, but it’s late and I’ve had some wine and you will please forgive me for just not and for pretending to promise to do it tomorrow, but I probably won’t then, either -

Uh -

Anyway – I won’t review or recap Project Runway, but I will comment on Dave White’s reviews/recaps.

Dave White writes, re: Suede:

And I will no longer be discussing this. It stands on its own two stupid feet from this point forward, requiring no commentary from me or you or anyone else. The entire planet, even populations on other planets, all know that this guy is a chump with a fake name that he’s compelled to utter at least four times in each sentence. And now he’s not going to let it go. Ever. And only three weeks in, every blog and every commenter on every blog and every single late-night talk-show host and every Best Week Ever regular and my stroke-patient mother who lives in a nursing home and doesn’t even watch this gay-ass show all know that this joke is already stale. It’s done. And worse, it’s a sad commentary on this season when it’s the wackiest thing anyone can talk about. Where are the basket hats and Jubilee Jumbles and crying while cutting and Red Lobster with Andrae and Wendy Pepper’s daughter with a mustache and shit-faced ramblings about Johnny Cash walking the line and MRSAs and smuggled design books and gay arms and motherfucking grosgrain-covered seam allowances? Where? Yeah, I’m impatient.

Fine.  Well put, and you’re right.  I agree. 

I am hereby silently boycotting ever mentioning Suede’s…peculiarly defining but unnamed characteristic…again.

But, seriously? Why is fucking everybody including Dave White, hating on – er – whichever one of the identical nerdie girls it is who claims the whole “Holly Golightly in Dali-land” thing, or whatever? Oh, she’s fine. She’s cute, maybe even. You know what? Clock dress? Fine – shittily sewn, but have you ever tried to sew with that whole weird satiny thing before? No. I didn’t think so. And it wasn’t that bad, damnit. I saw the IDEA she was going for, at least, and that was fine. It was fine!

And Dave White’s comment on her dress from last week?

It’s for an indie-rock librarian going to a birthday party for a political prisoner.

Listen, that’s…not an insult. That’s…really really not an insult. That’s…blatantly awesome. (All right, the dress: maybe not. But if the description were true? Blatantly awesome. And the dress wasn’t that bad, damnit.)

(Whoa – also, though – why is her model so much less tan a week later? What happened there? That’s freaking me out. And please put your left elbow down, lady!)

Why all the hate for the nerdy girl? I mean, fine, dowdy, but studiedly dowdy, I think. And fine, not fashion-forward, but, like, that’s her thing. There’s a difference between “not new” and “classic on purpose.” And, okay, fine, she doesn’t know what “surreal” means. But…the clock dress was…like, close-ish? If you kind of squinted and were really nice and gave her some credit and had studied your John Tenniel lately?

Anyway.

Here’s this, since I had nothing better to do:

Mmmm! Louisiana Teacher of the Year! Can’t wait!

Sorry this was ridicu-rambling. I’m passionate but sleepy.

Suede thinks this is an affront to Suede’s image, and Suede demands the cell number of the producer so that Suede can voice Suede’s complaints. Suede knows Suede’s math, damn it. The alligator failed to eat Suede’s number.

Oh, man, I could totally post pictures of myself fucking Ian’s dad while punching the National Science Foundation decision commitee, and he would never know!! Or at least, he totally wouldn’t know until he was back in America and had watched all the back-issues of PR. (Hey, Mr. Tice – call me!)

Romi is my boyfriend, I think. I hope he’s good at this. I’ve pretty much thrown that up VERY SOON in the season. That’s 19 minutes into the season and I’m casting my lot already.

“It’s shocking.” I think I should say that more often.

Ah! Tim Gunn thinks my boyfriend’s work is “stunning!” Thanks, Tim!

Hehe! Sea goddess woman is hilarious.

Santino! Yay! Is he being sarcastic? Who knows. Let’s hope that tiger shirt he’s wearing is sarcastic. Oooo! Blog! Why are you reading this confusing, unfunny piece of shit? Go read

OH FUCK NO! Screw that! I will waste no more time trying to find Santino’s blog to link to! For as much as I may or may not like Santino, there’s no comparison to…

Malan!

Oh Malan!

There was more than one video of that sort to choose from, on youtube. There was also this, which I don’t understand, but then, you don’t have to understand Malan.

My Malan!

I was disappointed that there was not video after video after video of Malan’s laughter. Malan’s laughter cures childhood lukemia. Look it up. It’s true. Also gingivitis and ugliness.

Hm. The movie version of Atonement looks…boring, and like it completely missed the whole point. I’m liveblogging commercials! Margot at the Wedding looks pretty good. What I really want to see is No Country for Old Men.

All right! Runway time! Pre-runway preditiction: who’s getting canned? The easy answer is the sea goddess, because they’ve spent so much time on this already. I want to say the fat Chris, or maybe even the lingerie guy who dresses like a leather daddy, but maybe it’s too early in the season still to do anything so unexpected. I guess I’ll bet safe and say the sea goddess. Let’s find out!

Whoa. One of the prizes is the opportunity to sell their line on Bluefly. That’s a fucking great idea. I would have bought the SHIT out of some of the stuff from past seasons.

Sea goddess’s lady tripped. I ain’t even care. Mostly it’s just ugly and unfinished-looking. Fat Chris the drag-queen outfitter made a dress that’s very very beautiful and polished from the waist up. But what’s with that bracelet? If she has to readjust her ponytain, does everyone see her underpants? Whoa – I just thought of something. Her dress IS her bracelet. That’s kind of blowing my mind.

Kevin feels like he could be a main competitor. Oh, but that’s where we agree, Kevin. Nice pinstripes. Nice model, too. All goth and slouchy. Sweet P: “This is a happy dress.” No, it’s kind of sad because it’s so ugly and akward. Also, there’s only room enough on this show for one woman with an embarrassing name, and I’m pretty sure Kit Pisol beat you to it. Ah, Simone, no worries. Your dress is constructed just fine. It’s boring, but constructed fine. Jillian: very pretty. Reminds me of the boring Vietnamese lady who won a couple seasons ago. I like how the skirt sticks out all stiff. You’re safe, but nobody’s too impressed. Though, actually – pockets. Pockets are pretty great in little dresses. Hi, Christian? Um, I don’t know if you got the memo. You’re supposed to MAKE these clothes, not pick them up from the dumpster outside of Forever 21. Also? You have two options: either get a fucking haircut already, or else get out of here and go back home to continue taking arm’s-length-distance photos of yourself for your myspace page.

Victorya: pretty, but boring. Also, the only reason I’m cutting you any slack on how stupidly your name is spelled is because you were born in another country and I think that maybe your parents didn’t realize that they were saddling you with something kind of annoying. Same goes for my boyfriend Rami, frankly, whose dress was very pretty, exquisitely constructed, and I’m going to go ahead and predict right now is the winner for today, even though, again, god, I’m bored. I liked the little orange dress with the pockets better, frankly. Ugh… “the judges were fixated on my dress.” Well, yeah, Rami, they have to stare at it. It’s their job. Also, why do you look less hot today suddenly? Rami, that’s it. We’re breaking up. My new boyfriend is Kevin’s slouchy model. Leather daddy: your dress isn’t “subtle,” it’s “boring.” But so it’s everyone’s, so I’m sure you’re safe. Your hat, however, is on my shitlist.

Wow! Jack! Love it! I still think Rami’s probably going to win, but that’s fucking great. If it were my choice, it would be you. The colors, the print, and that long dangly bit on the purse! You’re adorable. Hehe: poor Marion. Not only does he have a girl’s name, but he’s accidentally confused the word “exciting” with “a big throw-uppy mess” in the sentence, “My dress was exciting.” Steven’s model is Glamour Mom! Hello Glamour Mom! Malan gets a blog and you get a modeling gig. That’s fair, I guess. How are your 17 kids? Who does Steven remind me of? Like, a cheated-on redneck from Jerry Springer or something? Carmen: well, ugly, but in an acomplished-designer sort of way. Nice pants, I guess? Hrm. I want to make a joke about Kit Pistol’s dress and shopping for the junior high prom at Hot Topic, but I also really like it, so, you know.

Man, that’s a lot of designers up there. It’s weird to see so many. Gillian is super-pretty. Ah, yeah, totally – my ex-boyfriend’s gotta be the winner out of that group. But who’s the loser?

Wow! They liked Myspace’s dress! I’m surprised. I thought that would be on the losing team, honestly.

“A little M.O.B….” Yeah, that’s something I should start saying more often, too.

I’m noticing Sea Goddess’s model’s boots, now, too, and wishing I hadn’t. Hold on. You know what? I’m going to go ahead and try to transcribe the way she’s describing this dress.

Sea Goddess: “I specifically went for something that was alive and vibrant. And I wanted something that would be sylph-like,

you know, aerial…water-air?

Going for, like, a haiku of a cut.

Just a sort of like very simple but very beautiful, like, sheeuuuuuuuuuuuupfpfpf!” [Literally - a big sucking noise.]

And then like a phwaah! coming out the back.”

Nina: “I’m confused.”

Michael: “You had me at hello.” Michael! Don’t encourage her!

Heidi just came up with the first, “I said it was farty!” of the season, I think: “Her dress looked like it was pooingfabric!” (Pause, wait for other judges to laugh, make funny face, think about making another baby with Seal.)

Hm. I think I liked Victorya’s better than my ex’s. But he also totally deserved it. I’m fine with that. Huh. And you know what? I’m sure it must have happened before, but I honestly can’t remember another instance, before Myspace, wherein the judges have not totally agreed with Tim Gunn (re the pattern matching on Myspace’s jacket).

Yeah, this was a good judgement. Always kick out boring before ugly. Ugly might be amazing later. You know, this first girl gone reminds me a lot of the first girl gone last season, too, in that she was boring and blond and forgettable.

Uh-oh! Looks like a team challenge next week! (Which, since I put off watching this for so long, is, like, tonight. Woot! Bloggarific!)

Auf until then!

Ian predicts:

Glamour Mom, pregnant and crying, is fucked. At the best, she’s sad and tired and “menstrual” in the way that pregant women are, and goes in the next episode. If not that, then she’s stuck making an entire collection while 8 months pregnant and obsessed with pickles and, perhaps most importantly, surrounded by five other screaming children who have been recently deprived of her attention and are now shrieking for it. She’s fucked herself by getting knocked up. It’s a sad, horrible story of a hard-core bad-ass woman, fucked by her own uterus.

Then again, Jeff Christ is just as likely to self-destruct before the final 3.

Final 3:

MK, Uli, Jeff Christ

or

MK, Uli, Glamour Mom

Jessica agrees with Ian that Kane is, bless his heart, gone. Also that, as Ian puts it, MK “has to shit on a baby to be eliminated.”

Okay, Ian just crazily amended that to:

MK, Glamour Mom, Jeff Christ.

Fuuuuuuuk that. No way Uli’s gone. She’s BORING, but totally in the top 3. Uli = Sara lee. Nobody doesn’t like her. Ian’s crazy.

Jessica says:

Top 3: MK, Glamour Mom, Jeff Christ.

Now, I know, that’s what I just said was crazy when Ian said it. But I have different reasons. See, Uli’s too safe. JC pops Uli out, because she’s one-note, and he does something that’s ugly but that they like. Or something. Anyway, I’m totally seeing the three of them in the final showdown. MK fucks it up, it’s boring and too, um, “urban.” JC does what he thinks is early American punk, but is actually just ugly and torn. Glamour Mom pulls the shit out. It’s retro-Kara Saun kinda shit. PregnGM for the win. That’s my prediction.

Woot.