worst person in the world

Huh. Well…yeah, okay. I got nothing against this guy. Nerve personals, you’ve finally won. I guess I have to date this guy now.

OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH.  OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE FUNNY?  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  YOU’RE SAYING THAT THIS IS A LIE YOU TOLD ONCE?  THAT THIS WAS A PARTICULARLY GOOD OR BAD LIE THAT YOU TOLD ONCE?  WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT FUCKING SHIRT?  OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH. OH MY GOD IS THAT YOUR FUCKING HEADSHOT?  ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR A TOOTHPASTE COMMERCIAL?  OH MY GOD STOP HITTING ON GIRLS IN BARS.  WHY ARE YOU HERE?  I HATE YOU SO MUCH.  OH MY GOD.

Sometimes you don’t really know what you’re getting when you’re on a dating site. Some people can be purposely misleading in their ads. Not TaterGurl. TaterGurl doesn’t want or attempt to mislead. You know exactly what you’re getting with TaterGurl.

You’re getting two pasty toddlers, Ashleigh and Drek, with uneven pigtails in their hair and unidentified orange slime on their cheeks. You’re getting someone who thinks that drinking Diet Dr. Pepper constitutes a diet. You’re getting four sassy secretary buddies who fancy themselves “Sex and the City” girls, and go out to the local line-dancing bar on Thursdays nights ($4.99 fishbowl margaritas for ladies all night long!) for their Girls’ Night Out. (Her mother goes to Girls’ Night Out, too. She shops at Forever 21.) You’re getting her ex-husband, the Chiefs-fan-slash-ex-meth-addict. You’re getting a standing commitment to buy her new JCPenny “diamond” stud earrings every Valentine’s Day, preferably packaged within a box held in the paws of a small teddy bear. You’re getting Mr. Potato Head. Lots of Mr. Potato Head.

Thank you, TaterGurl, for you honesty. We salute you.

Yeah, but seriously, though – she is eleven, right?

“The arts?”

(Also, I’m frankly unconvinced that “friends and family” doesn’t count as two things.)

Pretentious or French? I’m too lazy to babelfish this, so I’m just going to assume “pretentious.”

Now, see, he’s got an interesting hook, here, actually. This kind of wouldn’t have been a terrible start. But the use of the word “intriguing” combined with that particular over-the-shoulder-eyebrow-heft photo just makes me think that that guy’s probably already slipped me a roofie and posted pictures of me in my underwear on collegehumor.com.

Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Thumb ring!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!

Today there was a tie for Worst Person in the World!

First, we have “thorazine.”

“thorazine” enjoys things such as “laughter.” I, personally, do not enjoy laughter. I will not respond to his personal ad. Also, anyone who says they “can’t live without intellectual discussions” has never had one.

However, also contending for this coveted title today is “uwhusky_girl.”

She…deleted FOX? From her, uh, remote control? What? What does that even mean? “No, she didn’t” is what it means, I think. On the other hand, you’ve kind of got to cut the poor girl some slack. I mean – your son? Really? You thought it would be a good idea to include a picture of your 10 year old son in your online personal ad? And, uh, “husky girl?” Look, I understand that it’s a reference to your old University of Washington aliances or whatever, but – just – don’t call yourself “husky girl” in a personal ad, you know? Trust me.

I can hold my silence no longer!

So you know those personals that pop up as ads on, like, the Onion and – I don’t know, I can’t think of other places, but they’re EVERYWHERE, to the point where other ads parody them sometimes? I’m almost positive that this particular personal ad format began with nerve.com. That’s the first place I saw it anyway. And no, there’s no link there, because nerve is stupid. (And usually vaguely nsfw, if you’re going to go look it up on your own, anyway.) Anyway, though, the ad is some stupid photo that’s aaaaaalmost a myspace photo, but not quite? Like, just very slightly artier, and probably taken by an actual second human being, but no less pretentious or self-absorbed? And below it there’s a little snippet quote from their ad, usually either “BLANK is sexy, but BLANK is sexier,” or “In my bedroom, you will find: BLANK,” or “Last great book I read: BLANK,” or “The five items I can’t live without: BLANK.” And the answers always, invariably, make you want to punch the person?

Well, I’m adding a new and exciting feature to my blog: a list of the Worst People in the World!!!

Today’s Worst Person in the World: theweepngadonis!

(Yes, that’s right – his screen name is actually “theweepngadonis.” More horrifically, consider this: someone else had already chosen the screen name “theweepingadonis.”)

As my service to theveryverysadsexyman, since he is too busy applying hair gel and masculinely mourning his Lost One True Love, I will fill out the rest of his personal ad questions for him.

SexyAdonisMan is sexy; SexyAdonisMan without his shirt is sexier.

In my bedroom, you will find: scented massage oils, a photo of my mother, my ExtenZe pills, a Rosary/string of anal beads.

Last great book I read: Chicken Soup for the Kama Sutra Lover’s Soul.

Five items I can’t live without: 2(x)ist, a beautiful lady like you, musk, cockrings, secret shame.

P.S. – Don’t watch the ExtenZe commercial – it’s not really that funny or worth it. Just check out the ridonkulously phallic vases behind the lady’s head in the first ten seconds of it.